Feederism and Relationship Incompatibility: Real Advice

Feederism – the sexual fetish of deriving pleasure from feeding someone and encouraging weight gain – can be a source of intense intimacy for those who share it, but a painful wedge when partners don’t. What happens when you’re a feeder whose partner (the would-be feedee) isn’t willing or able to fulfill your fetish? This scenario is more common than you might think. In fact, research shows nearly half of people report having an “unusual” sexual interest, yet finding a partner who shares every desire is rare rebelliousmagazine.com rebelliousmagazine.com. Being mismatch on a fetish like feederism can strain emotional health and long-term compatibility. This ultraguide takes a brutally honest, psychologically grounded look at that struggle – focusing on the feeder’s perspective while respecting the feedee’s reality. We’ll explore why repressing a fetish can corrode a relationship, share expert advice on navigating kink incompatibility without manipulation, highlight real-life stories of couples who struggled (or succeeded), and offer concrete guidance – from how to communicate with sensitivity (including what not to say), to self-assessing your needs, to finding ethical outlets for your desires. No sugarcoating (pun intended) – unfulfilled fetishes can indeed be destructive if mishandled – but with clarity, empathy, and honesty, there are ways to cope and even hope.

Some real-life tips, things you can say in bed, and ways to navigate around making your partner happy.

The Feederism Fetish and Its Unique Challenges

Feederism is often misunderstood and highly stigmatized. In simple terms, it’s a fetish where one partner (the feeder) is aroused by feeding the other partner (the feedee), often with the fantasy of the feedee growing larger or heavier. This fetish intertwines food, body size, and power dynamics, making it a complex kink to integrate into a typical relationship dynamic. Unlike a preference for, say, a certain outfit or role-play scenario, feederism can require major lifestyle changes (significant eating and weight gain) from the feedee.

It’s important to recognize that having a fetish like this doesn’t make you “weird” or broken. Studies have found that fetishes and kinks are more common than people realize – many folks harbor secret turn-ons outside the “vanilla” norm rebelliousmagazine.com rebelliousmagazine.com. You’re not alone in having an atypical desire. And neither you nor your partner is “wrong” for what you like or don’t like in bed. As sex therapist Kathy Slaughter puts it, when one person is into something and the other isn’t, “neither is wrong rebelliousmagazine.com.

That said, feederism does pose unique challenges when partners are not on the same page. It’s a fetish that, if deeply pursued, can affect daily life (eating habits, health, social perception) more than a once-in-a-while bedroom game. As one person familiar with the kink noted on a forum, “Feedism is a fetish that does affect one’s lifestyle heavily if you’re deeply into it.” A feeder whose partner isn’t interested may feel a profound gap in their sexual and emotional fulfillment. On the flip side, a feedee who isn’t into it may feel pressured, objectified, or even fearful if the topic isn’t handled with care. Food and body image are already emotional minefields for many; adding a fetish on top can make it even more sensitive.

The Impact of Suppressing an Unfulfilled Fetish

Repressing or denying a core sexual desire like feederism isn’t a benign solution – it can have real psychological and relational fallout. Modern research in relationships shows that unmet sexual needs tend to “bleed into all other aspects of the relationship”, causing dissatisfaction beyond the bedroom psychologytoday.com psychologytoday.com. Sex is a key component of romantic bonding, and if one partner’s fundamental desires are consistently off the table, frustration and resentment can quietly build.

From a psychological perspective, fetishes tap into deeply ingrained arousal patterns – often formed early in life – that don’t just vanish because we will them to. In fact, attempting to simply “stop” having a fetish is usually futile; as one therapist bluntly put it, “You cannot simply ‘stop’ having a fetish. That is literally the same thing as asking someone to stop being gay.” quora.com In other words, this is likely an orientation of your sexuality. Forcing it into the closet may only increase your internal distress. You might experience guilt or shame for having the fetish, loneliness from feeling “no one understands this part of me,” and even a sense of grief or mourning for an experience you crave but can’t share with your partner. Meanwhile, your partner might sense that something is missing or being held back, even if you don’t openly talk about it.

Over time, unaddressed fetish incompatibility can seriously undermine relationship compatibility. Partners may still love each other deeply yet feel a creeping sense that they are fundamentally mismatched. Little resentments can sprout: the feeder feeling unseen or sexually unsatisfied, the feedee feeling inadequate or pressured. Each might start avoiding the topic entirely to prevent fights, leading to a breakdown in honest communication. Suppression often doesn’t solve the issue – it just drives it underground, where it can become even more corrosive.

Sex therapists warn that unfulfilled kinks “will not be ignored.” In a candid piece of advice, columnist Dan Savage emphasizes that kinks don’t just fade away on their own; if anything, they demand some form of acknowledgment. He notes that a kinky person with a vanilla partner “needs an outlet that allows them to explore their kinks in a safe and controlled manner. Without that outlet… sooner or later a kinkster will seize or engineer an opportunity to get their kink on… Clumsily seized/engineered opportunities have a much greater chance of blowing up lives and destroying relationships.”savage.love savage.love In plain terms: if you try to bottle this up indefinitely, it may come out in unhealthy ways. This could be as drastic as infidelity or secret double-life behavior, or as subtle as growing depression and distance.

Consider a real story shared on a feederism forum: one young man tried to “bury” his feederism fetish for the sake of his girlfriend, who not only wasn’t interested but was actively repulsed by the idea of gaining weight. He found himself obsessing anyway – even to the point of “not being able to stop looking” when he saw a large woman in public, heart pounding, fantasizing about feeding her fantasyfeeder.com. He shockingly followed a stranger around a store for a few minutes in a trance before snapping out of it, realizing, “this is hella creepy,” and feeling disgusted with himself fantasyfeeder.com. The repression had pushed him toward compulsive, unhealthy behavior. He confessed that he can’t get feederism off his mind and that being with a partner who hated fat was driving him into a state of constant temptation and guilt. His story highlights the risk: trying to live a life that denies your fetish can lead to escalating fixation and even dangerous lapses in judgment.

Even if things don’t reach that extreme, the emotional toll is significant. Unmet sexual needs often translate into feelings of rejection (“Why won’t they even try to understand what I desire?”) and inadequacy (“Is there something wrong with me for wanting this?”). Likewise, the partner who can’t fulfill the fetish may feel inadequate or guilty too – they might worry, “Am I enough for them? Are they secretly dissatisfied every time we have sex without that element?” In some cases, the feedee may sense the feeder’s lingering hunger for something “more” and internalize blame, leading to anxiety or body insecurity. A partner on Reddit described feeling “inadequate” because her boyfriend said he felt unfulfilled by his fetish not being met – despite her efforts in other areas, it left her self-esteem shaken. This shows that both sides can be hurt by the void that an unfulfilled fetish creates.

Finally, there’s the question of long-term compatibility. If feederism is truly central to your sexuality, then a relationship where it’s completely off-limits may face an existential dilemma. Relationship experts acknowledge that sometimes “you can’t change another person, and rethinking the relationship may be what’s needed” if a core sexual need is perpetually unmet psychologytoday.com. Ending a loving relationship over a fetish incompatibility is hard, but it is sometimes the honest resolution – and it’s not “wrong” to choose that. In fact, sexual incompatibilities are a fairly common reason relationships end (far more common than people admit openly). We’ll talk later about how to self-assess whether your fetish feels like an uncompromisable need or something you can work around. But first, let’s explore what the experts say about managing this kind of situation without letting it poison the love you have.

Insights from Sex Therapists: Kink Incompatibility 101

Facing a fetish mismatch is delicate territory, but there’s guidance out there. Sex therapists and relationship experts have studied how couples navigate differing kinks, and there are some key principles that emerge repeatedly:

No one is “the villain” for having or not having the kink. Both partners’ feelings are valid. One common mistake is moralizing the situation – e.g., the feeder thinking the feedee is “too vanilla/closed-minded,” or the feedee thinking the feeder is “perverted”. In reality, you just have a difference. Framing it as “right vs wrong” will breed resentment. Like Kathy Slaughter said, it’s tricky for two people to be sexually compatible in everything, so differences are normal rebelliousmagazine.com rebelliousmagazine.com. Keeping this in mind sets a respectful tone.
Consent and boundaries are paramount. No matter how badly you want your fetish satisfied, your partner has an absolute right to say no or set limits. “We cannot force people to do things that they aren’t willing to do. Consent is a must,” a certified sex coach, Gigi Engle, emphasizes thebody.com. If your partner ultimately says “I’m not comfortable with feederism play at all,” you have to accept that as their boundary. Pushing past a partner’s consent is not only unethical, it’s a recipe for trauma and resentment. As brutal as it feels, you might need to find other solutions (like fantasies or negotiated alternatives) besides involving your partner physically – unless they eventually become open to trying (more on that later).
Open communication (with empathy) is non-negotiable. Almost every expert will tell you that you have to talk about it – carefully, but honestly. Hiding a fetish and hoping your partner never notices your unhappiness is a strategy that backfires more often than not. Therapist Moushumi Ghose advises that when you approach the conversation, acknowledge any discomfort on both sides and speak from a place of vulnerability thebody.com. You might say something like, “I want to share a sexual fantasy of mine with you. I’m a bit nervous to talk about it, and I imagine it might surprise you, but I care about our trust and I want to be open.” By naming the awkwardness, you defuse tension.
Avoid loaded or stigmatizing language. One practical tip: if you suspect your partner isn’t familiar with fetish subcultures, be mindful of terminology. Using the word “fetish” or “kink” might unintentionally alarm them or put them on the defensive. You can explain what you like in plain language first. “It may be wise to avoid using terms such as ‘kinky’ if you think your partner may be turned off by a word like that,” says Ghose; instead, frame it as “exploring together some things that you find arousing.” thebody.com This way, it comes across as an invitation to intimacy rather than a scary label.
Gauge their level of comfort and don’t steamroll. Pay attention to your partner’s reactions. Some partners might be a bit surprised but open to learning (“This is weird but maybe we can work with it”), while others might have a strong averse reaction (“I can’t even hear about this without feeling upset”). As Kathy Slaughter notes, “If it’s ‘This is weird and I don’t know what to do with it,’ that’s one situation. If it’s a complete ‘I can’t even approach this’ revulsion, that’s a different problem.” rebelliousmagazine.com rebelliousmagazine.com In the first case, gentle compromise may be possible; in the second, you may need to accept a hard boundary. Importantly, if your partner shows true distress or triggering, do not pressure them further in that moment. Back off, reassure them that you’re not asking for anything they can’t handle, and perhaps suggest taking a break or getting professional help to process.
Explore middle ground (if it exists). If your partner isn’t entirely opposed, see if there are aspects of the fetish that could be met in a toned-down way that don’t cross their red lines. Fetishes are often multi-faceted. For example, feederism includes aspects like the visual of a larger body, the act of feeding, the power exchange of control, and the fantasy talk about weight. Maybe outright gaining weight is a no-go for your partner (for health, self-image, or other reasons), but perhaps they’re okay with a little playful feeding during foreplay, or talking about “what if” scenarios as fantasy talk, as long as it stays pretend. One feederism community member suggested precisely this kind of nuanced compromise: find out which specific facets of feedism appeal most to you (is it the physical change, or the squishy fat, or the act of nurturing, etc.) and see if symbolic versions of those can be incorporated without violating your partner’s comfort fantasyfeeder.com fantasyfeeder.com. For instance, maybe your partner lets you hand-feed them dessert in bed once in a while (sensual, but not actually forcing weight gain), or wears padding or certain clothes that accentuate curves for a role-play, or engages in “fat talk” (“I’m so stuffed, I feel my belly growing…”) purely as dirty talk without intending to actually get fat. These may seem small compared to the full fetish, but even partial fulfilment can significantly ease the tension for a feeder. Sex therapists often encourage couples to get creative: “Meeting in the middle can be crucial… If the kinky partner wants something messy and the vanilla partner hesitates due to cleanup, the kinky person can offer to do all the cleaning,” one expert notes as a general example thebody.com thebody.com. In your case, “meeting in the middle” might mean you put in extra effort to make any minor feederism play as easy and comfortable for your partner as possible, so they feel your appreciation rather than just burden.
Never resort to manipulation or guilt. This point cannot be stressed enough. When discussing a sensitive unmet desire, it’s easy to slide into a pleading or pressuring tone, especially if you’re desperate. But statements like “If you really loved me, you would do this for me,” or “Do you want me to always be unsatisfied?” are essentially emotional blackmail. They will likely make your partner feel cornered and resentful. In fact, if they do give in under guilt, it sets the stage for long-term resentment down the road (they may later feel, “I only did this because you coerced me,” and that bitterness can poison the relationship). An experienced member of a feederism forum warned feeders not to accept a grudging concession from a partner just to “make you happy,” because “that will turn into resentment each time an unrelated argument occurs.” fantasyfeeder.com In short, don’t twist their arm. Also avoid shaming language from your side – e.g., “Well my ex or other people would do this, why won’t you?” or “Everyone has some kink, why are you so boring?” These are character attacks, not invitations. Instead, keep the emphasis on your feelings (“this is something important to me”) and their autonomy (“I respect that you have your own feelings about it”). If it becomes clear that your partner really can’t go where you’d like, you might say something like, “I understand this crosses a boundary for you. I’m disappointed, but I appreciate you hearing me out. Maybe we can think together of other ways to keep our sex life satisfying for both of us.”
Consider professional guidance. Kink-aware couples therapy or sex therapy can be immensely helpful if you’re both struggling with this impasse. A neutral third party who understands sexuality can help each of you express fears and hopes in a safe space. Sometimes the fetishist needs help processing shame or figuring out alternative outlets; the vanilla partner might need help understanding the fetish isn’t a “replacement” for them or a threat to their value. A therapist can also mediate agreements if you decide on opening the relationship or setting rules for fantasy, ensuring both parties feel secure. If your partner is outright unwilling to even discuss any accommodation (for example, they won’t try it or let you seek it elsewhere or go to therapy), that stonewalling itself may signal bigger relationship issues thebody.com. In such cases, bringing in a therapist is even more crucial to address the communication breakdown thebody.com.
Identify if compromise is truly possible or not. Some fetishes, frankly, cannot be met halfway. Dan Savage gives a useful example: if someone has severe claustrophobia, you can’t expect them to happily climb into a bondage box for your kink – that’s likely a hard no savage.love. Similarly, a partner with past trauma around food or body image may find feederism actively triggering, not just “mildly uncomfortable.” If your partner’s aversion is in that category, you might have to accept that they will never participate – not even a little – and then you must decide how you’ll handle that (more on alternatives and tough choices below). Recognizing a true dead-end versus a negotiable middle ground is key. It’s unfair to both of you to keep pushing when a limit has been clearly stated.

Now, what if despite all the open communication and small compromises, your partner simply remains not into it at all? Many couples do reach this juncture: “I love you, I hear you… but I just can’t do this fetish.” It might be about feederism specifically (“I am not willing to intentionally gain weight or encourage that – it’s just fundamentally not me”), or about kink in general (“I’m sorry, I’m just vanilla and don’t enjoy that stuff”). This is where you need to explore alternate ways to meet your needs that don’t violate your partner’s boundaries, yet also don’t require you to just magically erase your fetish.

Real-Life Stories: Struggles and Solutions

It’s helpful to know you’re not the first couple to face this. Here are a few real-world testimonies (names omitted for privacy) that shed light on different ways this can play out:

Story A: The Long-Term Compromise (Monogamous Marriage) – One man, a self-described feeder and fat-admirer, has been married to a woman with no interest in feederism for over 25 years. They married young, before he even fully understood his kink. She’s a plus-size woman naturally, but she doesn’t have any fetish about it – she just enjoys food and is a “small BBW” in his words. How have they managed decades without the fetish driving them apart? He shares that a few factors made it work. First, he never expected to fully live out his kink, so he cultivated gratitude for what he did have: “She did let herself grow from a size 12 to an 18 after we got together, so I got to enjoy that… She’s fluctuated by ~25 pounds now and then, which I enjoy, but I don’t need more.” fantasyfeeder.com fantasyfeeder.com Second, she doesn’t shame him for his desires: “She may not be personally into it, but she doesn’t mind that grabbing her soft thigh turns me on… She doesn’t make me feel any shame for loving the weight she’s gained.” fantasyfeeder.com fantasyfeeder.com That acceptance alone is huge – he feels loved for who he is, fetish and all, even though she won’t perform it. Third, they found outlets: he carefully engages with feederism-related forums and content online to “let those thoughts out” occasionally, with her knowledge fantasyfeeder.com fantasyfeeder.com. He is mindful not to let it consume too much time, but just having some connection to that world keeps him satisfied. He quoted the Rolling Stones to sum up his contentment: “You can’t always get what you want / But if you try sometimes / You get what you need.” For him, being able to appreciate her natural curves and occasionally express his kink in private or online turned out to be enough. “ There is a lot of other stuff that I want, but I don’t need it… And that has made things work out quite well overall,” he says fantasyfeeder.com fantasyfeeder.com. Their story is one of a middle path: no, she never actively participated in feederism play, but through love, respect, and minor allowances, they’ve stayed sexually and emotionally happy together.
Story B: The Painful Impasse and Goodbye – On the other end, some couples hit an impassable wall. A woman in her 30s (let’s call her Laura) recounted how her relationship fell apart due to divergent kinks. In her case, she had a fetish (adult breastfeeding) and her partner had a different kink (feederism). Initially, she thought these might align – her partner liked the idea of her body growing and producing milk, after all. She went to great lengths to induce lactation, hoping it would thrill her girlfriend. But the partner’s reaction was lukewarm; she “tried to suckle me a few times, but I could tell she wasn’t interested.” Rather than force it, Laura dropped it vice.com vice.com. Nonetheless, the incompatibility lingered. Ultimately, they broke up after realizing they’d reached an impasse: neither could truly enjoy the other’s fetish, and both fetishes were important to their identities vice.com vice.com. Laura admitted she’d rather search for a new partner who does share her kink than stay in a relationship where that part of her will always be unfulfilled vice.com vice.com. Their breakup was amicable but illustrates a hard truth: love isn’t always enough when core erotic wiring doesn’t match. It’s okay to prioritize sexual compatibility; it doesn’t make you shallow or selfish, it makes you honest.
Story C: The Almost-Open Arrangement – A feeder in his 20s wrote to an advice columnist about his predicament: he had a wonderful girlfriend who accepted that he was into weight gain erotically, but absolutely did not want to participate. She wanted to lose weight, in fact, for her health. He respected that and didn’t push her, but he struggled with periodic overwhelming urges to engage in his kink. His solution had been to “scratch the itch with strangers online” – essentially, he would visit feederism communities and chat anonymously, or use fetish content, to get by savage.love savage.love. He wondered if his fetish would ever “fade” so he could be 100% satisfied with his girlfriend and not even think about feederism. The expert’s response pulled no punches: “unlike old soldiers, kinks don’t fade away… and will not be ignored.” savage.love savage.love In other words, he shouldn’t expect to just outgrow it. Instead, the advice was to formalize an outlet with his girlfriend’s understanding. Since she already knew about his fetish, they could agree on boundaries where indulging it online or in fantasy is permitted. “If not getting to act out your fantasies in real life is the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with her, then allowing you to explore your kinks with strangers on the Internet… should be a price she’s happily willing to pay to be with you,” the columnist counseled savage.love savage.love. In other words, an ethical allowance for porn, erotica, role-play chats, etc. as a safety valve. The logic was that this kind of controlled outlet is far safer for the relationship than the likely alternative: eventually snapping and doing something reckless and hurtful in secret. This story highlights a compromise that stops short of an open relationship – it’s more like “open fantasy life” rather than involving real third parties. It requires trust (no actual meet-ups, just virtual satisfaction) and understanding from the partner that this doesn’t threaten them. Many couples use similar strategies for various kinks: enjoying erotica or online communities related to the fetish, while keeping actual physical exclusivity. For some, this arrangement can sustain the relationship indefinitely.
Story D: The Cautious Exploration – A woman on a forum shared that her boyfriend confessed to a feederism fetish, and it initially scared her. She loved him and wanted to support him, but she didn’t want to gain weight herself. They navigated it by lots of discussion. She set clear boundaries (no pressuring her to eat beyond comfort, no intentional weight targets) but allowed some playful “feeding” scenes during intimacy, because she saw how happy it made him and she enjoyed his enjoyment. He, in turn, agreed that her comfort was the priority and that he would never sneakily try to make her fat (something she had feared). Over time, they found a groove: occasionally incorporating food into foreplay, using pillows or camera angles to enhance the illusion for him, and him indulging the rest of his fetish via fiction and art. She admitted she still doesn’t get the appeal of the fetish itself, but she loves seeing him blissfully happy on those rare nights they act out a mild version of it – and that, in a way, arouses her too because it’s intimate. This couple’s story is one of open-mindedness and mutual generosity. It’s not an “all or nothing” approach; they treat the fetish like a fun little side game they sometimes play, rather than a forbidden topic or a 24/7 obsession. This kind of outcome – where the vanilla partner becomes what sex writer Dan Savage calls “GGG (Good, Giving, and Game)” to the extent they comfortably can – is perhaps an ideal to strive for savage.love. Not every partner will be willing or able to do this, but you might be surprised: “Just because your partner doesn’t share the same interest doesn’t automatically mean they won’t be open to participating… The kink might not turn on the vanilla person in the same way, but as long as there’s consent, the vanilla person can derive satisfaction from their partner’s enjoyment,” says therapist Engle thebody.com thebody.com. In other words, some partners find joy in your joy, even if the activity isn’t their personal cup of tea.

Each of these stories is different – and your outcome will have its own nuances. The common threads, however, are honesty, respect, and sometimes tough choices. Some relationships survive and even thrive despite the fetish gap (often via compromise or outside-the-box solutions), and some ultimately end in a respectful parting of ways. Let’s delve into how to approach that pivotal conversation with your partner, and then how to introspect on your own needs to know what path is right for you.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Feederism Fetish (Dos and Don’ts)

Bringing up a fetish that your partner isn’t fulfilling is daunting. You might worry about hurting their feelings, scaring them, or even being judged. Yet, bottling it up is worse. A clear, honest conversation – or series of conversations – is the only way forward whether you end up finding a compromise or deciding on bigger changes. Here’s a step-by-step guide on approaching this talk, with some specific pointers on what to say (and what not to say):

Choose the Right Time and Place: Don’t start this discussion in the heat of sexual moment (“by the way, can you stuff yourself with cake right now?”) or during an unrelated fight. Pick a neutral, relaxed setting where you both have privacy and time. Some people find it easier to talk about heavy topics while doing a calm activity side by side (like taking a walk or a drive) rather than sitting face-to-face, as it can ease eye contact pressure. Tailor the setting to what you know about your partner – for instance, Kathy Slaughter suggests that for some, a quiet dinner out might create a comfortable environment (public enough to stay calm, private enough at the table to talk), whereas others might prefer at home on the couch rebelliousmagazine.com rebelliousmagazine.com. Ensure neither of you is rushing off somewhere or mentally preoccupied.
Start with Affirmation: Begin by affirming your love/attraction for your partner as they are. Make it clear that this talk isn’t about telling them they’re “not enough.” For example: “I want to talk about a fantasy of mine, but before I do, I need you to know I love you and I’m so attracted to you. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you at all. This is just something personal about me I want to share.” This can help prevent their defensiveness. It reminds them that you value them and the conversation’s goal is greater intimacy, not an attack.
Own Your Feelings: Use “I” statements to describe your fetish and what it means to you. You might say: “I’ve discovered over time that I have this particular kink called feederism – basically, I get aroused by the idea of feeding my partner and them gaining weight. I know it might sound unusual. I myself sometimes feel confused by how strong this turn-on is for me, but it’s been part of my fantasies for a long time.” Notice this focuses on your experience – your feelings, your vulnerability in sharing it. You’re not demanding anything here, just opening your inner world to them.
Gauge and Invite Their Reaction: After disclosing, pause and let them respond. They may have questions, or they may be stunned silent. Encourage them gently: “I’m sure you might have thoughts or questions – I’m here to talk about it. How does hearing that make you feel?” Then really listen. If they express shock or even distaste (“I don’t know if I like the sound of that…”), don’t jump to defensiveness. A good response is: “I understand it might not appeal to you – and that’s okay. I’m not asking you to instantly like it. I just want us to be able to talk about it.” If they ask questions like “Why that?” or “Do you watch this somewhere?” answer as honestly as you can. This is where a bit of education might help: you could share that many people have unique fetishes and it doesn’t mean you’re crazy or that you want to force it on them (even mention that studies show unusual sexual interests are fairly common rebelliousmagazine.com). The key is to avoid sounding defensive or ashamed – if you act like it’s a dirty secret, they’ll subconsciously pick up that viberebelliousmagazine.com. Try to be matter-of-fact that “everyone has something that lights their fire; this is mine.” (You can also share my articles on this website! Especially the articles under Psychology and Relationship Dynamics)
Reassure and Clarify What You’re (Not) Asking For: This part is critical. Make it clear that you are not laying down an ultimatum. Express that your primary hope is to share this side of yourself, and if possible, find a way to incorporate it that feels okay for them too. For example: “I’m not expecting anything from you that you’re uncomfortable with. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fantasize about doing this together – of course I do, because I love you. But I also respect that it might not be something you want. I hope we can talk about it and see if there’s any aspect of it that could be fun for you too. And if not, maybe we can figure out other ways for me to still enjoy this fetish without putting pressure on you.” This kind of language makes it clear you are flexible and prioritizing the relationship. You’re essentially saying: “Yes, I have this need/desire, but I’m opening this as a negotiation between us, not a demand.”
Invite Their Ideas and Feelings: Ask them how they feel about what you’ve shared. They might worry, for instance, that you want them to become obese or that you only find them attractive if they gain weight. Address those fears directly if you suspect them: “I want you to know I love your body and I’m not secretly unhappy with it. This fetish isn’t about me disliking how you look now – it’s just a fantasy that turns me on. I don’t need you to change for me to love you. The last thing I want is for you to do anything you hate.” Acknowledging their attractiveness to you as is is huge, because a common feedee fear is “Am I not good enough unless I get fatter?” Make sure they know that’s not the case (assuming it’s not – if it is, that’s a bigger issue to untangle with honesty). Encourage them to be honest too: “Please be open with me – if this fetish grosses you out or if you have concerns, I really want to know. I promise not to get angry; I’d rather have everything on the table.” This gives them permission to say things that might be hard to hear, but it’s better to know exactly where they stand.
Discuss Boundaries and Alternatives: Depending on how receptive or not they are, start carving out what could work. If they seem curious or at least not repelled, you might suggest trying a light version once just to gauge comfort. For example: “Would you be willing to experiment maybe one time – like, we have a fun night where I feed you dessert in a sexy way – and see how you feel? If you hate it, we won’t continue. If it’s okay, maybe it’s something we do occasionally.” Ensure them it’s always at their pace and they can veto any specific act. On the other hand, if they say they really don’t want to do any feederism activities, respect that. Then you can bring up alternatives for you to still engage solo. This is when you might propose agreements like: “What if I keep this as a fantasy on my own? Maybe I read stories or watch videos sometimes. I’m only asking that you be okay with me doing that privately, because it helps me cope with not doing it in real life. I would never involve another person without your consent.” By framing it as an “allowance” for private fantasy, you reassure them that you’re not going to cheat, but you do need some outlet. Many vanilla partners are okay with their significant other consuming some fetish porn or literature, especially if it means they won’t be pressured to participate. It’s fair to check that they’re comfortable with that and to agree on any limits (e.g., maybe they don’t want to hear details about it, and that’s fine).
What NOT to Say: Throughout this delicate dialogue, steer clear of certain landmines:
- Don’t accuse or belittle: “You’re just being closed-minded/prudish.” This will shut them down. Instead, if you sense hesitance, say “I understand this might not be something you ever imagined doing. It’s a lot to take in.”
- Don’t guilt-trip: Avoid any phrasing that implies they owe it to you, such as “I won’t be able to be happy without this” (which can sound like a threat even if you mean it as personal anguish) or “Others would do this for their partner.” No one wants to feel like they’re failing some litmus test of love just because they have a boundary.
- Don’t compare them to idealized alternatives: “I could easily find someone online who’d gain weight for me.” Even if true, saying this is cruel and not constructive. It will breed insecurity and anger.
- Don’t spring unpleasant surprises: For instance, do not secretly feed them fattening ingredients or manipulate their diet as a way to indulge your fetish without consent. Also, don’t introduce feederism in the bedroom without prior discussion (e.g., force-feeding them unexpectedly or blurting out fetishistic comments about their body during sex out of nowhere). These actions break trust. Always get buy-in first.
- Don’t frame it as their problem to solve: Sometimes a fetishist might say, in frustration, “Well, what am I supposed to do? I have this huge need and you won’t fulfill it.” While this expresses your feelings, it can come off as accusatory (“you won’t fulfill it” sounds like they are actively doing something wrong). It’s better to frame it as a mutual challenge: “How can we handle this in a way that works for both of us?” This language makes it our problem, not just yours or mine.
- Don’t rush to a resolution in one talk: Your first conversation should be an opener, not necessarily a final decision. It’s okay to agree, “Let’s both think about this and revisit in a few days,” especially if emotions run high. Pressuring your partner to give a definitive yes/no on complex sexual activities on the spot isn’t fair. Give them time to process.
Stay Respectful No Matter the Outcome: If your partner agrees to try making room for the fetish, thank them for their openness and emphasize how much you appreciate it. If they express that they really can’t or don’t want to do anything related to it, thank them for their honesty. Remember, your goal was the truth and understanding, not a particular answer. It might hurt to hear a “no,” but it’s better than a resentful, half-hearted “maybe” or silence. If it’s a “no,” you can then frankly discuss how you will handle things moving forward (e.g. establishing that it remains a fantasy only, or discussing other arrangements, or in worst case, considering the relationship’s future).

Communicating about this is not a one-and-done. It should be an ongoing dialogue. Check in with each other. If your partner does try indulging your fetish in some limited way, debrief afterwards. Did they truly feel okay? Anything about it that they actually liked or absolutely hated? Likewise, express how it felt for you – was it enough, or did it leave you wanting more? These check-ins ensure that both of you remain on the same page and can adjust agreements as needed.

Self-Assessment for the Feeder: Is This Fetish a Dealbreaker Need?

After you’ve had these talks (or even before, as you anticipate them), it’s crucial to take inventory of your own heart and libido. Not every kink or fetish carries the same weight for the person who has it. For some, feederism might be an intriguing fantasy but ultimately optional – they could live a fulfilling sexual life without ever actualizing it, as long as other things are good. For others, it feels almost like a core identity or orientation – without it, their sexual satisfaction is chronically dampened. Only you can determine where you fall on that spectrum. This self-assessment isn’t easy, but here are some questions to guide your reflection:

How central is feederism to your arousal? When you masturbate or fantasize, what proportion of the time do you focus on feederism or weight-gain scenarios? If it’s nearly 100% of the time, that indicates it’s your primary turn-on. If it’s occasional among many other fantasies, it might be more of a spice than the main course. Also, consider: can you get genuinely turned on and enjoy sex without involving feederism at all? If your arousal regularly stalls out in vanilla situations and you find yourself only excited when thinking of feederism, that points to it being pretty fundamental.
How satisfied are you with your current sex life minus the fetish? If you and your partner have sex, do you typically feel happy and content afterwards, or do you often feel something was “missing”? Try to honestly evaluate a sample of your intimate encounters. Perhaps you have lovely intimate times that aren’t fetishistic – maybe you enjoy oral sex, or passionate “standard” intercourse, etc. Do those genuinely fulfill you, or do you finish and still feel this gnawing unmet need? If despite loving your partner you constantly feel a ache of disappointment when the fetish isn’t present, that’s a sign it holds significant weight for you.
Have you been able to compromise so far, and for how long? Some people can shelf a fetish for months or years in exchange for other positives in the relationship, but then they hit a breaking point. Think about your own history: if you’ve been with your partner for a while, have you already been suppressing feederism urges? How has that been going for you emotionally? For instance, one forum poster shared that he tried to ignore his feederism for the first year of his relationship, but the thoughts kept returning stronger each time, leading him to slip into porn and fantasies more and more fantasyfeeder.com fantasyfeeder.com. Are you noticing an escalation in how much the fetish preoccupies you (like creeping into your thoughts daily, or you seeking out more extreme content to scratch the itch)? Escalation often means repression isn’t sustainable. Conversely, maybe you’ve found that focusing on other aspects of your sex life or taking up hobbies, etc., has genuinely lessened how much you think about feederism – if it’s fading into the background for you, that might indicate it’s not an absolute need and you could be content without actively practicing it.
How would you feel if you never got to experience your fetish with a willing partner in your lifetime? This is a big-picture question. Imagine yourself many years down the road, with this partner (or even a future partner), and you never once got to engage in feederism fully. What emotion does that evoke? If it’s a deep sadness or regret – a sense of “I’ll have missed out on living authentically” – that weighs in favor of how important it is to you. If it’s more like “It’d be a pity and I’d still fantasize about it, but overall I’d be okay because I have other great things,” that suggests it’s not a make-or-break need.
Do you find yourself tempted to seek it elsewhere, despite promises not to? Be brutally honest with yourself here. If you’ve agreed to monogamy and no feederism, but you catch yourself, say, flirting on fetish sites or feeling drawn to people who would indulge it, take that seriously. That temptation is a clue that part of you might prioritize the fetish over the relationship if push came to shove. It’s normal for your eyes to wander when something feels missing – the question is, how strong is that pull? Is it an occasional daydream, or do you feel at real risk of cheating or breaking an agreement someday because you’re so unsatisfied? If it’s the latter, that’s a red flag that in your heart this fetish is non-negotiable, and staying monogamous with a partner who won’t participate could lead to betrayal or heartbreak down the line. Better to confront that now rather than after infidelity occurs.
What emotions arise when you think about not having this fetish in your life? Aside from arousal, consider your emotional attachment to the fetish. For some, a fetish can be entwined with identity, comfort, even stress-relief. Does feederism bring you happiness beyond just sexual pleasure – like a sense of community, or a way you express care (feeding as a love language)? If it’s tied to emotional needs, that makes it more crucial. Also, do you feel resentment at the idea of giving it up? If you already resent your partner a little for not being into it, that’s a dangerous sign (because resentment tends to grow). Weigh that against how much you value the relationship as a whole. Would you resent anyone who asked you to put aside this fetish, or is it specifically about this scenario? Try to differentiate whether the conflict is causing a fundamental resentment (“I can’t be fully me with them”) versus a negotiable sacrifice (“It’s a bummer, but I love them enough that it’s a small price”).

After pondering these questions, you might realize one of a few things:

Scenario 1: “I want it, but I can live without it if I have to.” You conclude that while feederism truly excites you, your love and sexual connection with your partner can still be fulfilling without acting on it. You’re willing to keep it to fantasy or very occasional role-play and not feel miserable. In this case, you’re leaning toward staying in the relationship with some accommodations (like consuming fetish media, etc.) and focusing on its other strengths. Remember the earlier story of the man who said, “I got what I needed if not everything I wanted” and was happy fantasyfeeder.com – that can be you, if you genuinely feel that way.
Scenario 2: “I don’t think I can be sexually happy long-term without this fetish.” If you reach this conclusion, it’s important to honor that truth. It might mean you need to discuss more drastic solutions with your partner: possibly opening the relationship so you can occasionally explore feederism with others (with strict rules and transparency), or sadly, it might mean considering ending the relationship amicably so each of you can find more compatible matches. Deciding that a fetish is a fundamental need is nothing to take lightly – and you should be compassionate with your partner if this is where you land. It doesn’t mean they “failed” you; it just means your sexual orientations are too different. If you do consider ending things, remind each other that it’s an act of kindness in a way – it frees you both to find partners who naturally align, rather than slowly growing apart amidst frustration. Many people in the kink community have had loving relationships end for this reason, and while it’s painful, they often remain friends or at least respectful exes who understood it wasn’t personal inadequacy, but genuine incompatibility.
Scenario 3: “I’m truly unsure – it’s in between.” You might not have a clear black-or-white answer. Maybe you feel it is very important, but you also feel you might regret leaving a great partner “just for sex.” This is understandable. In such cases, sometimes the only way to know is to experiment a bit (with consent) and see how you feel. For example, try living with whatever compromise you and your partner worked out for a while: do the fantasy-only route, or the occasional mild indulgence route, for say 6 months. See if that leaves you content or if you’re climbing the walls. Sometimes our hearts need evidence to make a decision. During this period, continue communicating with your partner. If things aren’t improving (you’re still unhappy and they’re feeling your unhappiness), it may tip you toward realizing it’s fundamental after all. If you find a groove, then maybe it’s workable.

One more note: It’s possible your own relationship to the fetish can evolve. People do change over time. Some find that as they age, certain fetishes become less intense, or new turn-ons emerge that make the old ones less central. The reverse can also happen. In a feederism forum, a veteran kinkster advised young couples not to panic, noting that over 20 years his “desires have changed… I still appreciate the same things, but my relationship to the fetish is different now” fantasyfeeder.com. He implied that flexibility and patience can yield surprising shifts – maybe you discover other kinks to share together that mitigate the absence of this one, for example. The takeaway is to allow that nothing is static. You and your partner might find a way in the future to integrate feederism more (people can become more open over time, especially with trust), or you might find you’re okay with less of it. But don’t bank on future change as your only strategy; acknowledge what you feel now, and use that to guide your next steps, adjusting as needed with new information.

Creative and Ethical Alternatives for the Unfulfilled Feeder

Suppose you’ve decided to stay in the relationship and not pursue feederism directly with your partner (either for now or for good). How can you still honor your fetish and keep your sanity, without crossing any lines? Luckily, sexuality is a big landscape, and there are many ways to engage with a fetish besides physically enacting it with your significant other. Here are some alternatives to explore that can provide a sense of fulfillment or at least relief:

Fetish Porn and Erotica: This is the most accessible outlet. There are countless feederism stories, videos, and images available in the kink community. Consuming this material privately can help transport you into that world for a while. You might find that reading an erotic weight-gain story or watching a feeder/feedee roleplay video before you have sex with your partner actually helps sate your fetish urge enough that you can then fully enjoy the sex you do have. (Just be mindful to avoid comparing your partner to the fetish material – use it as a supplement, not a standard by which you judge reality.) Ideally, your partner consents to you using such material. Since it’s all fantasy, many partners are okay with it. It could even be something you do together in a limited way: “Sometimes your partner enjoying their fetish can be as simple as playing with each other while they’re watching their favorite fetish porn,” as one sex therapist noted rebelliousmagazine.com. For instance, maybe your partner would let you put on a feederism clip in the background while you both fool around, so you get the visual stimulus and they focus on you in other ways. (Of course, only if they’re comfortable – some might find that too weird, in which case solo viewing is fine.)
Online Communities and Role-Play (with boundaries): Engaging with the feederism community online can be profoundly validating. Forums (like Fantasy Feeder, Feederism subreddits, etc.), chat rooms, or even role-playing games centered on weight gain can give you a space to express your fetish openly – without impacting your partner. You can swap stories, share your feelings, maybe even have a role-play session in character with someone (text-based or voice) where you pretend to be feeder/feedee. This kind of virtual play can scratch the itch. Dan Savage’s advice in the earlier letter was exactly this – to swap fantasies and images with strangers online as a safe outlet savage.love. The ethical caveat: be transparent with whoever you’re interacting with that it’s fantasy-only and you’re not looking to meet up (unless at some point you and your partner agree to an open arrangement, but that’s a separate negotiation). Also, be cautious not to develop an emotional affair; keep it about the fetish scenario. It might help to loop your partner in lightly – not that they need details, but let them know “I hang out on a feederism forum sometimes just to talk about it. It helps me, and I want you to know it’s just fantasy.” If they’re comfortable, this transparency can actually build trust (“they’re not sneaking around; they told me exactly what they’re doing to cope”).
Kink-Friendly Professional Services: This is a less common route but worth mentioning. Some people seek out professional dominants or fetish providers for specific kinks. In the BDSM world, for example, a submissive whose spouse isn’t into BDSM might hire a pro-domme a few times a year with their spouse’s knowledge. In the context of feederism, there aren’t “professional feedees” in the same formal way, but you might find a model or escort who caters to fetishes like feeding sessions. This must be discussed and agreed upon with your partner, because it is a form of sexual activity outside the relationship. One sex coach notes that “hiring a professional… may be a good way to get your needs met. Having consent from your partner is a must, though.” thebody.com thebody.com If your partner is absolutely against any physical or romantic open relationship, they might still consider a professional scenario as more akin to a service (some view it similarly to watching porn, just interactive). It really depends on your relationship’s boundaries and mutual comfort. But it’s an option if, say, you just want to experience feeding someone once without strings, and your partner is reluctantly okay with outsourcing it in a controlled way. Be very careful and respectful in approaching this – it requires a strong trust that it won’t affect your bond.
Erotic Art, Writing, and Creativity: Sometimes channeling your fetish energy into a creative outlet can be satisfying. You could try writing your own erotic short stories or captions that detail your ultimate feederism fantasies. The process of writing can be cathartic and arousing, and you might share them anonymously online to get positive feedback from others (feeding that sense of community). If you’re artistic, you might draw or commission artwork of feederism scenarios that particularly excite you. Having a private collection of stories or art that depict your fantasies with idealized characters can serve as a mental playground you visit whenever needed. It’s not “real,” but our brains are powerful – vivid imagination can sometimes do the trick nearly as well as reality. Your partner might be more comfortable with you indulging in imaginative creation than seeking anything external.
Mutual Non-Sexual Indulgences: This one might sound odd, but consider if there are aspects of feederism that could be expressed in non-sexual ways with your partner. For instance, maybe your partner is okay with you taking the lead on cooking and serving decadent meals occasionally (because you enjoy the act of feeding them) as long as it’s understood it’s not a sexual script in that moment. Some couples find a middle ground by sort of “demoting” the fetish to a playful quirk – e.g., the feeder gets to be generous with second helpings at dinner and the feedee giggles and says “Oh gosh, you’re trying to spoil me!” – it’s light-hearted and not explicitly erotic. It’s not going to fully satisfy the fetish urge, but it can provide a gentle emotional outlet for that side of you (the nurturing, food-loving side) in a way that your partner might find sweet rather than threatening. Again, the partner’s temperament matters – if they are strictly calorie-counting, this might not fly. But if they’re just not into the fetish sexually, they may still appreciate your love language of food in normal life now and then.
Explore Adjacent Kinks Together: Perhaps feederism itself is off the table, but are there related or different kinks you both might enjoy? Sometimes focusing on a shared sexual adventure can lessen the sting of the one you can’t share. Maybe your partner has a hidden fantasy of their own that you could indulge, creating a sense of newness in your sex life that distracts from the feederism gap. Or you two could experiment with other power exchange dynamics, sensual food play that doesn’t involve weight gain (like incorporating chocolate syrup or strawberries in foreplay – totally different intent, but still combining food and sex in a fun way), or even attend a kink workshop together to learn something new (like bondage, roleplay, etc.) that you’re both comfortable with. The idea is not to “replace” your fetish – it’s a unique thing – but to enrich your sexual connection in other ways so that it doesn’t feel barren. Sometimes a generally fulfilling sex life with variety can compensate for one missing element. Be adventurous within the limits you do have. You may find that you have other untapped fantasies that turn you on almost as much and that you can enjoy with your partner. This not only brings you closer, it might also build goodwill that makes your partner more open-minded about your needs (when they see you investing in their pleasure and in mutual kinks, they may be more empathetic to your fetish even if they don’t directly participate).
Ethical Non-Monogamy (as a Last Resort): If your fetish need is strong and your partner truly can’t meet it, some couples consider forms of open relationship. This is a big decision and certainly not right for everyone. It requires immense trust, clear rules, and strong communication. The idea would be that, with your partner’s agreement, you seek a secondary relationship or occasional partner who is into feederism, while maintaining your primary relationship. For example, you might find a friend or fellow kinkster who wants a feeder/play partner; you engage in feederism scenes with them perhaps infrequently, but your emotional commitment stays with your main partner. This scenario is only ethical if your primary partner genuinely consents without coercion. If they agree out of fear of losing you, it can breed jealousy and insecurity that end up worse than the original issue. So tread very carefully. Some couples have successfully done this – especially when the primary relationship is very strong in love and they compartmentalize the fetish play as a separate, almost “hobby-like” aspect. An open approach should have strict boundaries laid out: for instance, maybe only one specific person, only on certain occasions, no romance or overnight stays, full transparency, etc. If something starts to go awry (like either you or your partner developing deeper feelings or feeling threatened), you must be ready to pause and re-evaluate. Engle (the sex educator) mentions this option too: “If your partner isn’t into kink at all, negotiate how you can have your needs met in other ways… You can explore opening up to include a kinky partner. Boundaries will be key… establish agreements about what is/is not OK… and a plan for if something goes wrong.” thebody.com thebody.com This underscores that it can work, but only with mutual agreement and lots of safeguards.

Whichever mix of these alternatives you use, remember the word ethical. That means no sneaking. The moment you start hiding your outlets or lying about them, you’re entering dangerous territory. Keep your partner in the loop to the extent that you’ve mutually agreed upon. Some partners might not want to hear any details (which is fine: you can have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” about, say, your solo erotica time), but it should be an agreement, not a unilateral secret. The goal of alternatives is to prevent corrosive secrecy or resentment, not just to give you what you want at any cost.

Finally, consider balance. It’s easy when a fetish is unmet to let it consume your thoughts and life as you seek alternatives. Try to maintain a healthy balance by also investing energy in your partner and in non-sexual shared activities. Don’t let feederism become an obsession that isolates you. If you immerse in porn or forums 24/7, your partner will feel the disconnect. Use these outlets as a supplement or pressure release, not an outright replacement for intimacy with your partner.

The Risks of Doing Nothing (or Doing the Wrong Thing)

Before we close on a hopeful note, it’s necessary to reiterate the emotional risks of handling an unfulfilled fetish poorly. We’ve touched on them throughout, but let’s be very clear about what’s at stake if you ignore the issue or approach it destructively:

Resentment Buildup: Unspoken frustrations are like acid in a container – eventually, they eat through. If you pretend everything is fine while secretly resenting that your fetish life is dead, that resentment will seep out in other ways. You might start snapping at your partner over trivial things, or growing cold and distant. Resentment is often called “relationship cancer” – it can silently kill the partnership. By not addressing your needs or by blaming your partner for not reading your mind, you cultivate resentment. Over time, this can totally erode the love and goodwill in the relationship.
Partner’s Self-Esteem Damage: Conversely, if you handle this insensitively, you can inflict lasting hurt on your partner. Constantly pressuring or reminding them of what they aren’t doing for you can make them feel inadequate, unattractive, or like they’re “failing” you. One partner of a fetishist confessed, “My inability to fulfill his fetish is making me feel so inadequate” – she started believing she wasn’t good enough, which no loving partner should ever be made to feel. If a feedee feels they have to compete with an imaginary ideal (an ever-growing body that they don’t want for themselves), they might develop anxiety, depression, or body image issues. They could even start to resent the fetish itself deeply, viewing it as the “other woman” in the relationship. That’s a terrible dynamic to fall into – where your partner starts hating this part of you because it’s hurt them. It can happen if you’re not extremely careful and compassionate.
Miscommunication and Bitterness: Some couples try to compromise but don’t communicate enough, leading to misfires. For instance, the feeder might think the partner will try gaining a bit because they said “maybe,” and then when it doesn’t happen, the feeder feels bitter – meanwhile the partner thought they never actually promised that. Misaligned expectations can breed bitterness. Always clarify what you’ve agreed (preferably in plain words: “So, just to be sure, we’re agreeing that you’re okay with X, but not Y, correct?”).
Toxic Manipulation or Control: In worst-case scenarios, a frustrated fetishist might slip into controlling behavior – subtly or overtly. In feederism, there’s a documented dark side where some feeders have coerced or covertly forced weight gain on partners (slipping extra butter in food, discouraging exercise, etc.). This is not only a breach of consent but can cross into abuse. In fact, some researchers have likened extreme feederism without consent to a form of intimate partner violence or coercive control pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. The moment you find yourself considering “maybe I could just encourage them to eat a little more without telling them why” – stop. That path leads nowhere good. You might “succeed” in making them gain a few pounds, but at the cost of trust and integrity. If they find out (and they likely will eventually), the sense of betrayal can be irreparable. It’s far better to accept a no and deal with it above-board than to manipulate behind the scenes. Don’t be the person who turns a loving relationship into a power struggle or a deceitful game.
Cheating and Broken Trust: If you ignore your partner’s boundaries and seek secret fulfillment (meeting a feedee behind their back, or even just carrying on intense fetish flirtations online that you hide), you are breaking the trust of the relationship. Even if it doesn’t involve sex per se, the deceit is what does the damage. Many relationships that could have been amicably adjusted or ended with honesty have been utterly destroyed by cheating stemming from fetish incompatibility. The cheated-on partner experiences not just the hurt of the sexual betrayal but also can develop a warped view that “It’s because I wasn’t kinky/fat enough”, which scars their self-worth going forward. Meanwhile, the cheater often feels immense guilt and regret, and ends up losing the very relationship they wanted to “protect” by sneaking around. In short, cheating is a lose-lose scenario here (as in most cases). If you reach a point where you feel you cannot stay faithful because of your urges, do the difficult but honorable thing and either negotiate an open arrangement or break up cleanly before pursuing others.
Relationship Demise: Ultimately, if nothing is done or things are done poorly, the likely outcome is the end of the relationship, but with a lot more collateral damage – hurt, anger, and emotional scars – than necessary. By contrast, if you address it maturely, even if the relationship ends, it can end with mutual respect and understanding. There’s a big difference between a breakup that happens because “we realized we want different things, and we care enough to let each other go find that” versus a breakup that happens because “lies were revealed and we fell apart in an ugly blow-up.” Sometimes the fate (ending vs staying together) might be the same in both scenarios, but the way you handle it drastically affects the emotional well-being of everyone involved.

None of these warnings are meant to scare you into despair. They’re meant to underscore why handling this issue with transparency, empathy, and integrity is so important. When the user prompt said “unfulfilled fetishes — when handled poorly — can become corrosive and destructive,” it’s exactly all of the above. The good news is, by reading this and educating yourself, you’re already avoiding the biggest mistake which is to ignore or mishandle the issue.

Moving Forward: Honesty, Hope, and Hard Choices

Navigating a feederism fetish that your partner can’t fulfill is unquestionably challenging. It tests how honest you can be with yourself and each other, and how much your relationship can adapt or not. The brutal honesty is that not every couple will make it through unscathed; some incompatibilities do spell the end of a partnership, and if that’s your ultimate outcome, it’s okay to grieve that loss. Choosing to part ways because you both deserve sexual happiness is a legitimate, if difficult, choice – sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let each other go pursue the lives you really want (one where you can be a feeder, and one where they don’t have to be a feedee).

However, breakup is far from the only ending. Many couples do find a workable equilibrium:

Some find that communication alone strengthens their bond, even if the fetish remains mostly fantasy. The partner might not participate, but the very act of being seen and not judged can bring you closer. You might develop new forms of intimacy that fulfill you in ways you didn’t expect, fetish aside.
Some incorporate small aspects of the fetish and discover that it’s enough to keep the sexual energy alive. Perhaps your partner surprises you – sometimes initial resistance softens over time, once they’re sure you respect their limits. People can be amazingly giving when they feel safe and loved. A formerly “vanilla” partner might one day say, “Hey, you want to feed me that cake tonight and have a little fun?” – not because they suddenly love feederism for its own sake, but because they love the sparkle it puts in your eyes.
Some redefine the rules of their relationship with full consent – opening it in carefully measured ways, or engaging in a sort of collaborative fantasy life that allows the fetish to exist in the wings without dominating center stage. This can actually relieve pressure and make your time with your partner more relaxed; when you no longer feel you’re denying a part of yourself (because you have that outlet somewhere), you may show up to the relationship more joyfully.

No matter what path you end up taking, emotional realism is key. Don’t promise your partner that you’re “over it” if you know you’re not – that only delays the fallout. Likewise, don’t let your partner promise you that “it’s fine, I’ll do this for you” if their heart isn’t truly in it – that’s setting both of you up for pain. The theme throughout this guide has been mutual honesty and compassion. If you both approach the situation as allies rather than adversaries, you have a better shot at a positive outcome, whether that’s staying together happily or parting amicably.

It may help to involve a kink-aware counselor if you reach gridlock. Sometimes an outside perspective can break emotional logjams and offer solutions you didn’t think of. At the very least, therapy can ensure that if the relationship ends, it ends with both people feeling heard and validated, not bruised and bitter.

Hope, but not false hope. The hopeful message here is that you’re not doomed. Plenty of relationships survive sexual mismatches; almost every long-term couple has something one loves and the other doesn’t (it might not be a fetish, but it could be frequency of sex, or type of sex, etc.). Strong love can overcome a lot, especially when both individuals are kind and flexible. Your fetish doesn’t have to “ruin” your relationship if it’s handled with care. In fact, facing this challenge can lead to growth: you might both learn more about yourselves, improve your communication skills, and discover new dimensions of intimacy through the process of negotiation and understanding.

But hope doesn’t mean convincing yourself of a fairytale. If all signs point to this being an irreconcilable difference, hopeful realism might mean accepting that and finding the best path forward. Sometimes the happiest ending is one where two people separate and each find partners who suit them better sexually. It’s not the ending you envisioned when you fell in love, but life is complex. You deserve to live authentically, and your partner deserves to not feel like they are holding you back or being pressured.

In summary, if you’re a feeder whose fetish is unfulfilled with your current partner, you have some hard work ahead – introspection, heartfelt dialogue, perhaps tough decisions – but you also have avenues to address it. You’re already doing the right thing by seeking knowledge on the topic. Remember to keep respect at the core: respect for your needs (they are valid) and respect for your partner’s boundaries (they are equally valid). Between those two poles, you’ll find the course that is right for both of you. Whether that’s establishing a compromise, finding alternative releases, or making a major life change, let it be guided by honesty and love rather than fear or deceit.

No matter what, you are not “perverted” or “unlovable” for having this fetish, and your partner is not a villain for not sharing it. You two are two good people finding your way through a genuine incompatibility. It’s a challenge, but one that many have navigated with success. By confronting it directly, you’re already miles ahead of the game. Good luck – and take care of both your heart and your partner’s heart as you move forward.

Sources:

Savage, Dan. “Allowances.” Savage Love advice column, July 2, 2024. (Letter about feederism fetish in a relationship and need for outlets) savage.love savage.love
Slaughter, Kathy (LCSW). Interview in “Just the Tip: Navigating Fetishes in a Relationship,” Rebellious Magazine, 2019. (On sexual compatibility and finding compromise) rebelliousmagazine.com rebelliousmagazine.com
Engle, Gigi (certified sex coach). “How to Safely Navigate Kinks with a Vanilla Partner,” TheBody.com, 2025. (On talking to vanilla partners, finding compromise or opening up) thebody.com thebody.com
Psychology Today, David Ludden, Ph.D. “When Your Romantic Partner Fails to Meet Your Sexual Ideal,” 2021. (Research on unmet sexual needs harming relationships, importance of sacrifice/compromise) psychologytoday.com psychologytoday.com
FantasyFeeder Community Forum. “Should I break up with my girlfriend?” (Discussion thread on a feeder whose girlfriend is repulsed by feederism, advising that the incompatibility is unlikely to resolve) fantasyfeeder.com fantasyfeeder.com
FantasyFeeder Community Forum. “My partner is a feeder and I’m not a feedee,” (Discussion thread including 25-year marriage testimony and advice on compromise) fantasyfeeder.com fantasyfeeder.com
Vice (Allie Conti). “It’s Hard to Find Love if You’re Into Adult Breastfeeding,” 2018. (Contains anecdote of a relationship ending due to divergent kinks, including feederism)vice.com vice.com
Honeycombers (Jacqueline Kee). “Do you have a type of kink? Here’s why you should embrace it,” 2023. (On avoiding kink-shaming language and keeping an open mind) thehoneycombers.com thehoneycombers.com