Is My Boyfriend a Feeder? Signs, Fetish & What to Do

Feeling confused by your boyfriend’s behavior around food and weight? You’re not alone. Many women have moments of doubt when a partner’s constant offering of snacks, encouragement to indulge, or compliments about a fuller figure start to feel… different. If you’ve begun to wonder, “Is my boyfriend a feeder?”, this ultraguide is here to support you. We’ll explore what feederism is, why someone might be into it, the warning signs to watch for, and how to navigate an honest conversation about it. Most importantly, this guide will help you reflect on your comfort levels and empower you to set boundaries or make decisions that honor your well-being. Let’s take this step by step, with compassion and clarity.

Understanding Feederism (and Why He Might Hide It)

Before jumping to conclusions, it helps to understand what feederism actually means. Feederism is a sexual fetish where one person (the “feeder”) derives erotic pleasure from feeding another person (the “feedee”) and watching them gain weight or become full annapulley.com. In this dynamic, food and weight gain become intertwined with sexual excitement. The feeder enjoys providing food and seeing their partner’s body grow, while the feedee (if consensual) may enjoy eating and gaining as part of the kink. This fetish falls under the broader category of fat admiration or weight-related kinks, and like any fetish, it exists on a spectrum from mild to more extreme versions annapulley.com.

It’s important to note that feederism is often kept secret. There is significant stigma around being aroused by weight gain, so many people with this interest struggle with “to tell or not to tell” even their sexual partners collectionscanada.gc.ca. Your boyfriend might have kept these desires hidden out of fear of judgment or rejection. In other words, his secrecy might stem from shame or uncertainty rather than a desire to betray you. Understanding this context can help you approach the issue with empathy.

Why are some people into feederism? The psychology behind feederism is varied and personal, but experts and anecdotal accounts suggest a few common motivations:

Nurture and Care: For some, feeding a loved one is deeply connected to nurturing feelings. They equate food with love and comfort. The act of feeding can make a feeder feel like a devoted caregiver, providing pleasure and sustenance. In fact, feederism can be “tied to emotions like care and nurture,” giving the feeder a sense of purpose or bonding progressivetherapeutic.com.au. Some researchers even liken certain feeders to “obsessed caregivers” who enjoy the fantasy of growing another’s body beyond its current size discovery.ucl.ac.uk. In this view, your boyfriend’s endless offers of food might be his (misguided) way of showing affection or taking care of you on an almost primal level.
Dominance and Control: Another possible drive is the power dynamic involved. Encouraging someone to eat and gain weight can create a sense of control or dominance for the feeder. They might enjoy the idea of you becoming dependent on their food or the thought that they can influence your body. Many feeder/feedee relationships do incorporate elements of dominance and submission progressivetherapeutic.com.au. This doesn’t necessarily mean your boyfriend wants anything sinister; it could be a subtle dominance kick he gets from seeing you comply with his food wishes. For example, if he insists “Just have one more bite for me” in an almost pleading tone, there might be a power play aspect underneath the surface.
Erotic Focus on the Body’s Changes: Feederism is also often about the transformation – the physical expansion of the body. The feeder is aroused by seeing their partner’s belly get fuller, clothes get tighter, or the number on the scale tick upward. It’s the visual and tangible change that excites them. One article notes that for some feeders, the fetish “might be about bodily changes and the…” evolution of a partner’s body into a softer, larger form enotalone.com. They enjoy each milestone – an extra pound, a new curve – as an erotic event. If your boyfriend comments on your body’s softness or seems exceptionally pleased by weight you’ve gained, this could be part of that focus.
Rebellion and Taboo: Let’s face it – society often idolizes thin bodies and strict dieting. Feederism flips that script. The idea of reveling in weight gain can feel like a naughty rebellion against social norms. Some feeders are drawn to the taboo nature of loving bigger bodies and defying diet culture. The fetish “breaks societal norms related to body image and eating” progressivetherapeutic.com.au, which can add an extra thrill. If your boyfriend has a bit of a contrarian streak, enjoying something “forbidden” or outside the mainstream (like encouraging over-eating) might spice up the experience for him.
Body Positivity and Attraction to Curves: Sometimes it’s less about control and more about simple attraction – taken to an extreme. He might genuinely find plump or fat bodies intensely beautiful and sensual. Feederism can be seen as an expression of acceptance and love for larger bodies progressivetherapeutic.com.au. In a way, his actions could stem from a very genuine adoration of your body and a desire to see more of it. This motivation overlaps with nurture: he’s happy when you enjoy food and when your body reflects that enjoyment.

Each person is different, and your boyfriend’s behavior could be driven by one or a mix of these factors. Remember, these motivations aren’t excuses for him hiding things from you – but they can help you make sense of why he behaves the way he does. Most importantly, feederism (like any kink) absolutely requires consent to be healthy. In fully consensual scenarios, both partners are aware and enthusiastic about the feeding and weight gain. In your case, you haven’t given that consent or even been asked, which is why this situation can feel so upsetting. Keep that in mind: you are not overreacting by feeling uneasy – the dynamic currently lacks open communication and consent, which are key in any sexual context progressivetherapeutic.com.au.

Feederism or Just Foodie Love? – Warning Signs vs. Normal Behavior

How can you tell if your boyfriend’s feeding behaviors are related to a fetish or simply expressions of affection? It can be tricky, because the line isn’t always clear. Many loving partners do enjoy sharing food, cooking big meals, and cherishing a curvy body without any fetish involved. In fact, feeding a partner is common in relationships for totally non-sexual reasons – people often encourage loved ones to eat as a sign of love or to avoid wasting food surrey.ac.uk. So, one big meal or a single comment doesn’t automatically mean he’s a closet feeder. It’s more about the pattern, intensity, and context of his behavior.

Here are some potential warning signs of feederism-related interest, paired with notes on how they might also occur in “normal” relationships:

He constantly encourages you to eat more, even when you’re full. Does your boyfriend urge you to get seconds, pile on dessert, or snack frequently, even after you’ve said you’re done? A feeder finds it exciting to see you consume extra calories. He might light up when you take that additional slice of pizza he offered. Normal behavior? Many partners simply love to share good food or worry you didn’t eat enough. Culturally, food can equal love – think of a grandma insisting you have another helping out of care. The difference tends to be frequency and insistence. If it feels like he just won’t take no for an answer every time food is around, or he’s disappointed when you refuse, it leans toward a fetish motive.
Comments that praise weight gain or body changes. Pay attention to the compliments he gives. A supportive boyfriend might say “I love your body at any size” or reassure you that you’re beautiful even if you’ve put on a few pounds (which is lovely!). But a feeder might specifically say things like, “I love that your jeans are getting tight,” or “You’ve never looked sexier than with that extra weight.” If his praise is directly tied to you getting heavier – and he brings it up a lot – that’s a sign. He may even compare old and new photos of you with glee at the difference. Normal behavior? Some guys do prefer curvier body types (nothing wrong with that) and will voice that preference. The key is, would he still be attracted and complimentative if you lost weight or stayed the same? A fetishistic feeder is often fixated on you gaining; a man with a non-fetish preference for curves might simply always like you in a certain range but isn’t pushing for “more, more, more.”
Erotic or sexual focus on eating. Think about intimate moments: has eating ever become sexualized between you two? For instance, does he seem turned on watching you eat, or initiate sexual activity right after a big meal? Does he ever rub or jiggle your stomach playfully when you’re full, as if that’s arousing? Feederism can involve things like belly-focused touching, feeding as foreplay, or dirty talk about weight. If your boyfriend’s hand drifts to your tummy and he makes lusty comments after dinner, it could be a clue. Normal behavior? Some couples playfully feed each other strawberries or have fun with food in the bedroom (hello, whipped cream). The difference is usually in the content: mainstream food play is more about sensuality of sharing food, whereas feeder-oriented play is about the quantity eaten or the fullness/fatness itself. Also, if you notice he’s only really sexually passionate when you’ve eaten a ton or when you’ve gained weight, that pattern stands out.
Sabotaging your attempts to diet or exercise. One red flag is if he actively (though maybe subtly) undermines any effort you make to eat healthy or lose weight. For example, you mention wanting a light meal, and he convinces you to order something heavy. Or you plan to hit the gym, and he entices you with a cozy movie night and takeout instead. If this happens occasionally, it could just be loving indulgence (“skip the gym, let’s enjoy ourselves!”). But if it’s systematic – every time you try to adopt healthier habits, he intervenes with tempting treats or discouragement – he could be intentionally preventing weight loss. A feeder fetishist may feel threatened or disappointed by you losing weight, even if he doesn’t say it outright.
He’s extremely attentive to your body and food intake. Does he frequently watch you while you eat, almost with a gleam in his eye? Does he ask what your weight is or even weigh you himself “just for fun”? Some feeders like to track their partner’s gain. Maybe he’s the one always pointing out that you need new clothes because the old ones are tight (and he says it with admiration). Or he nostalgically keeps old pictures of you when you were smaller, not because he prefers that size but because he’s proud of how much you’ve changed since then. This kind of almost scientific attention to your growth is a strong indicator of feederism. Normal behavior? A caring boyfriend might notice changes in you out of concern (“Are those jeans tighter? Do they feel okay? We can buy new ones if you’re uncomfortable.”) or simple observation, but won’t usually harp on them with excitement. Enthusiasm is the cue here – most people don’t celebrate a partner outgrowing their clothes; a feeder very well might.
Evidence of feederism in his media or internet use. This can be delicate and obviously depends on whether you have insight into his online life. Signs might include follows/likes on social media of “feeder” or “gainer” communities, porn or erotic art focused on weight gain or feeding, or a history of exes who gained weight during the relationship. Now, snooping through someone’s computer or phone isn’t recommended, but sometimes people stumble on things by accident. If you’ve ever seen strange search histories or he’s shown you a fetishy weight-gain comic “as a joke,” those are data points to consider. Normal behavior? If nothing like this has ever crossed your path, it doesn’t mean he isn’t into it (he could just be very careful), but if you have seen something, it can strongly confirm your hunch.

Keep in mind that any one of these behaviors in isolation might not mean much. It’s the overall picture that counts. For instance, he might just love cooking for you because that’s how he shows love – many people demonstrate care by feeding others (one study even found that people who are emotional eaters tend to feed their partners more as a way of showing affection surrey.ac.uk). Or he might simply find curvy girls attractive (which doesn’t automatically equal a fetish). Context matters: If he’s encouraging when you’re indulging but also supportive when you choose a salad, that’s pretty normal. But if he pouts when you opt for lighter meals and only seems excited when you’re overeating, that leans fetishistic.

Also, consider how you feel during these interactions. Do you often feel pushed or objectified, or do you feel genuinely cared for? Sometimes your gut feeling is a good indicator. A feeder scenario often leaves the unsuspecting partner feeling uneasy, like something is off that they can’t quite put their finger on. If that’s happening frequently, trust yourself. Your feelings are valid, and it’s better to address them than ignore them.

Emotional Whiplash: Valid Feelings You Might Be Experiencing

Discovering or suspecting that your boyfriend might have a feederism fetish can stir up a storm of emotions. It’s a unique situation, and it’s normal if you’re feeling a mix of confusion, anxiety, intrigue, and even betrayal. Let’s talk about some common emotional reactions women in your shoes might go through – and remind you that all of these feelings are valid.

Confusion and Self-Doubt: “Why is he doing this? Am I imagining things?” You might second-guess yourself. One moment, you think you’ve cracked the code and it explains so much (like why he was so happy about that 10 pounds you gained over winter). The next moment, you wonder if you’re reading into it too much. This back-and-forth is normal. Feederism is not a common topic, so it’s easy to feel perplexed. You may never have considered this fetish existed until now, so questioning your own perception makes sense. Remind yourself that you’ve noticed specific patterns that led you here – you’re not “crazy” for suspecting something. Gathering information (like reading this guide) is a good step to replacing confusion with clarity.
Betrayal and Anger: It can be upsetting to think your boyfriend might have been secretly fetishizing your eating or weight without telling you. You might feel a sense of betrayal: “He’s been encouraging me to gain weight for his own pleasure, and I didn’t even know!” If you feel used or deceived, that’s understandable. Trust is key in relationships, and it may feel like that trust was undermined by him not being open. Along with betrayal often comes anger or resentment – especially if you’re someone who struggles with body image, and now you suspect he was intentionally steering your body in a direction you didn’t explicitly consent to. It’s okay to be mad. However, before letting the anger consume you, remember that if he indeed has this kink, he likely hid it out of fear. Fetishes are highly stigmatized, and people often fear being reduced to “just their fetish” annapulley.com. This doesn’t excuse dishonesty, but it might mean he wasn’t setting out to hurt you or violate your trust on purpose. He may have been genuinely terrified to come clean. This perspective can temper the anger with a bit of empathy – but it’s still important to acknowledge if you feel wronged.
Insecurity and Body Image Worries: Many women in this situation ask themselves, “Did he ever find me attractive for me, or only for my weight?” It can be a blow to your self-esteem to think that your body was a fetish object rather than loved unconditionally. You might worry, for example, “If I lose weight, will he stop wanting me?” or on the flip side, “Is he only happy with me if I keep gaining?” If you’ve worked hard on your fitness or have personal goals, you might feel conflicted or guilty for not wanting to go along with his preference. It’s crucial to ground yourself here: Your body is your own, and you deserve to be with someone who cherishes you, not just what number you register on a scale. A caring partner (even a feeder boyfriend) should still see you as more than a fetish. In fact, people are more complex than their kinks – not every nice thing he’s done was secretly about feederism annapulley.com. He likely has genuine love and attraction for you beyond this. But it’s understandable if you feel a bit objectified or uncertain about his motives. These feelings need to be addressed in an open talk (we’ll get to that soon).
Curiosity and Mild Arousal: This one might surprise you, but some women also feel a strange curiosity or even a flicker of arousal at the revelation. Human sexuality is complicated! Perhaps in retrospect you realize certain nights – like when you two curled up after a huge meal and he was extra affectionate – were actually kind of sexy for you too, even if you didn’t know why. Or you catch yourself thinking, “So… what exactly about feeding is hot? How would it work if we tried it openly?” Feeling curious or even intrigued doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. You’re allowed to wonder about his fetish without shame. It’s possible to be simultaneously put off and a bit fascinated. This is your mind trying to make sense of a new concept. If you feel this, you might later choose to explore the idea together in a controlled way, or you might just file it as “not for me.” There’s no right or wrong reaction.
Guilt and Conflict: Guilt can creep in from different angles. You might feel guilty considering confronting him – like you’re prying into something deeply personal. Or guilt if you think he’s been suffering, hiding this fetish, and you had no idea. On the flip side, you might feel guilty that you’re not immediately accepting of it – as if you’re not being open-minded enough. If you gained weight and he secretly loved it, maybe you feel weirdly guilty that you unknowingly “participated” and even enjoyed his praise, only now realizing what it might have meant for him. Let’s put that guilt in perspective: no one can consent to something they’re unaware of. You did nothing wrong by enjoying his affection. And you’re not doing anything wrong by hesitating to jump on board with a surprise fetish. Both of you were in an unspoken dynamic without clear communication; now that things are coming to light, guilt isn’t needed – honest communication is.
Relief (and Validation): Amid heavier feelings, don’t be surprised if part of you feels a sense of relief once you identify what’s been going on. Things might suddenly click into place: “So I’m not crazy – this is a real thing and it has a name!” Validating your suspicions can be empowering. It means you can move forward with knowledge rather than nagging doubt. If you have this feeling, use it constructively: let the relief motivate you to address the issue head-on now that it’s been identified.

All these feelings – confusion, anger, insecurity, curiosity, guilt, relief – can collide and take turns in your head. It’s a lot to process, emotionally. Take your time. You might even journal about it or confide in a trusted friend (someone you know won’t be judgmental) just to sort through your emotions before talking to your boyfriend.

Importantly, approach yourself with compassion. There’s no rulebook for “my partner might have a feeder fetish.” It’s okay if you haven’t handled everything perfectly or if you still don’t know how you feel. You’re entitled to feel what you feel. One thing you may take comfort in is that, unlike some other scenarios, this issue isn’t because he finds you unattractive – quite the opposite. In fact, consider the flip side: many women sadly have experienced boyfriends criticizing them for gaining weight or policing their eating. Here, your boyfriend actually adores you eating and gaining. As one advisor wryly noted, compared to a man who shames your body, “a dude who encourages his girlfriend to eat what she wants might be considered a perk” in some ways annapulley.com. That perspective can be refreshing – your man loves your body without the culturally common negativity. Of course, it’s a double-edged sword because that love comes with a fetishistic string attached. But it’s worth remembering: he isn’t repelled by you (quite the opposite), so this isn’t about you lacking anything. It’s about a very specific thing he is into.

Finally, recognize that he might be dealing with his own emotional turmoil. If he does have this fetish, he’s likely been anxious, fearful, or ashamed about it. The stigma around sexual kinks can make people feel like monsters or “perverts” when in reality kinks are fairly common aspects of human sexuality. Feederism, in particular, is widely misunderstood and even ridiculed publicly, so he may have internalized a lot of shame. Again, this doesn’t mean you must accept the fetish – but understanding his possible mindset sets the stage for a more empathetic conversation. Which brings us to the next big step: talking to him about it.

Opening the Conversation – A Gentle, Non-Confrontational Approach

Talking about a hidden sexual fetish with your partner might feel like walking through a minefield. You might worry about hurting his feelings, or hitting a nerve of shame, or even causing a fight. But open communication is the only way to reach any understanding or resolution here. The goal of the conversation isn’t to accuse or blame, but to share observations and feelings, and to give him a safe space to tell the truth. Here’s a structured approach to bring up the topic gently:

1. Pick the Right Moment: Timing and environment can make a big difference. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed and not in a rush. Privacy is essential – this should be a one-on-one talk with no distractions. It’s usually best not to do it immediately during or after a meal (he might feel caught off guard or defensive if it’s too on-the-nose). Perhaps a weekend evening when you’re cuddling on the couch, or during a quiet walk together. Avoid times when either of you are stressed or irritated about other things.

2. Ease In with Reassurance: Start the conversation by affirming something positive about the relationship or him. This might feel counterintuitive when you have a serious concern, but it sets a supportive tone. For example, “I want to talk about something, and I first want you to know I really appreciate how caring you are with me – especially how you always make sure I’m well fed and comfortable. You have such a nurturing side, and I love that.” This isn’t fake – it’s acknowledging the truth that in many ways he has been caring. You’re about to discuss the flip side of that coin, but leading with appreciation can soften his defenses annapulley.com.

3. Use “I” Statements to Describe What You’ve Noticed: Frame the issue from your perspective, focusing on your feelings and observations rather than casting his actions as deliberate wrongdoing. For instance: “Lately I’ve been feeling confused about something in our relationship. I notice that you often encourage me to eat more or seem especially happy when I go for extra food. Sometimes I feel like… I don’t know, like my gaining a little weight has made you more affectionate?” By saying it this way, you are not accusing him of anything; you’re sharing your honest perception. You can add, “Maybe I’m misreading it, but I’ve been sensing a kind of excitement from you around this, and it’s reached a point where I wanted to talk with you about it.” This invites him in to explain, rather than putting him on the spot with a blunt “Are you a feeder?!” question.

4. Gently Pose the Question: After setting it up with your feelings and observations, it’s okay to frankly ask in a non-judgmental way. You might say something like, “I’ve been doing some thinking and even some reading on this, and I came across the term ‘feederism.’ It’s basically when someone enjoys encouraging their partner to eat or gain weight. I want you to know I won’t judge you – but I have to ask, is this something you resonate with or have been feeling?” Tailor the language to however you’d speak normally, but ensure your tone is gentle. You can also add, “It’s totally okay if it is – I just really want us to be honest with each other. I care about you, and understanding this would help me a lot.” By explicitly saying it’s okay and that you care, you’re giving him permission to be truthful. You are signaling that this is a safe conversation, not a trap.

If outright naming “feederism” feels too daunting, you can approach it more indirectly: “I sometimes wonder if there’s a specific reason you love feeding me so much… Like, does it feel exciting or turn you on? I’m not upset, I just want to understand what it means to you.” This way, you describe the behavior without using the kink label, and let him fill in the blanks.

5. Emphasize Your Feelings Throughout: It’s important he understands why you’re bringing this up – not to kink-shame, but because it affects you emotionally and physically. You could say, “The reason I’m asking is because I’ve been feeling a bit uneasy and confused about it. If this is something sexual for you that I wasn’t aware of, I need to know, because I want to be on the same page about what we do together. When I don’t know why you’re pushing food, I start feeling anxious and a little out of control, to be honest.” By expressing how it impacts you (confused, anxious, out of control), you help him see that secrecy has consequences. This also keeps the conversation balanced between his truth and your well-being.

6. Listen to His Response (or Silence): Once you’ve put the question out there, give him space to respond. He may admit it partially or fully, he may deny it, or he may get defensive. Be prepared that he might initially deflect – for example, “What? No, I just like cooking for you, that’s all! You’re overthinking it.” If he says something like this but you sense it’s not the full story, you can respond gently, “Okay, I hear you. I’m not accusing you of bad intentions. I just needed to ask because this has been on my mind. If you ever do have more you want to tell me, I’m here to listen.” This lets him know the door is open. Sometimes a person might need a little time after the initial confrontation to gather the courage to fully confess.

On the other hand, he might come clean immediately: “Honestly… I didn’t know how to tell you, but yes, that is something I feel.” If he does, do your best to remain calm and non-judgmental in that moment. Thank him for telling you the truth. It’s huge that he did. Even if you’re upset inside, try to save any intense reactions for later, once you’ve heard him out.

7. Keep Calm and Avoid Shaming: No matter what he says, try to keep the discussion as calm as possible. If you go on the offensive (“How could you hide this from me? This is so messed up!”), he’s likely to shut down completely. The fact that you’re even willing to talk about it is encouraging to him. Use empathy: if he admits it, acknowledge how hard that must have been to carry alone. You might say, “I appreciate you telling me. I imagine it wasn’t easy to hold that in.” If he denies but you strongly suspect, avoid calling him a liar. Instead, stick to how you feel: “Okay, if it’s not that, I’ll take your word. I do want you to know I asked because something doesn’t feel right to me. Maybe we can figure out together why I’m feeling that way.” This non-accusatory approach might actually lead him to reveal more on his own.

8. Use Examples (Carefully): If he seems bewildered by what you’re talking about or continues to deflect, it might help to give gentle examples of his behavior. E.g., “Remember last weekend when I said I was full, and you kept urging me to finish the entire cake you baked? And you were rubbing my back and saying how sexy it was that I ate so much? Things like that are why I started wondering.” Mentioning a specific instance can ground the conversation. Just be sure your tone isn’t one of blaming but of genuinely seeking insight: “I noticed this and it stuck with me, but I didn’t understand why it was a turn-on for you.”

9. Be Ready for Emotional Reactions: He might react with embarrassment, maybe hanging his head or apologizing. He might be relieved that you brought it up and even thank you for noticing (especially if it was eating him up inside that he hadn’t told you). Or he might become defensive or upset, feeling exposed. If things get heated or either of you becomes very upset, it’s okay to pause the talk. You can say, “I know this is a lot. We don’t have to sort it all out tonight. Maybe let’s both think on it and revisit calmly.” Sometimes planting the seed is enough for one day, and you can continue when emotions settle.

10. Reaffirm Care for Each Other: End the talk (or the session, if it’s ongoing over days) with reassurance. Let him know you brought this up because you care about the relationship’s honesty and health, not because you want to leave or hurt him (unless of course you’ve already decided it’s a dealbreaker, but likely you’re still deciding). You can say, “No matter what, I love/care about you. We’ll figure this out. I just need us to be open with each other.” Encourage him that you’d rather know and work through it, than have an unspoken thing between you. If appropriate, a hug or some physical affection can underscore that you’re not disgusted by him as a person – you’re in this together, unless/until you decide otherwise.

Possible Conversation Starters (Examples):

Sometimes it helps to have a script or two in mind. Here are a few ways you might phrase your opening lines or questions, phrased respectfully:

“I’ve noticed you put a lot of love into making sure I eat well. I adore that about you. It did make me curious – I get the sense that it really, really pleases you when I eat a lot. I was wondering, is it something you find exciting in, like, a sexual way? I promise I’m not upset; I just want to understand you better.”
“Can we talk about something a bit vulnerable? I want to share how I’ve been feeling. Lately when we’re eating together, I sometimes feel like it’s more than just enjoying food for you. I could be wrong, but it feels like you’re encouraging me to eat in a way that might be…intentional? I read about this thing called feederism, and it made me think of us. I want you to know that you can tell me if that’s something you feel. I care about you no matter what, and I’d rather have it in the open.”
“I love that you appreciate my body so much. You’ve made me feel so beautiful and desired, even as I’ve changed. I did start to wonder – you seemed almost extra happy when I went up a size. Like, I see this spark in your eye. (laugh nervously) I might be totally off base, but I have to ask: do you have a kink about this? Like, about me gaining weight or eating? I truly won’t freak out; I just want us to be able to talk about it if so.”

Each of these approaches is gentle, owning your perspective, and inviting honesty. Adapt them to your voice and your specific situation. The key is that you are not attacking him; you’re opening a door. You’re also making it clear that this is about mutual understanding – you’re not there to say “gotcha!” and storm off.

One more tip: Be prepared for any answer. If he says yes, mentally brace for hearing things that might make you uncomfortable (like him describing how long he’s had this fetish, or what exactly he fantasizes about). If he says no and you’re not convinced, accept that this first talk might not reveal everything. He could need time, or he might truly not identify as a “feeder” but still enjoys some aspects – it can be nuanced.

No matter the outcome of this initial conversation, you’re making great progress by bringing everything into the open. From here, you can start figuring out what you want and whether his needs and yours can coexist. Let’s explore those next steps.

After the Talk: Navigating Honesty and Reactions

So, you’ve had “the talk” – or at least started it. What now? The course ahead depends a lot on how that conversation went and what information surfaced. Let’s break down a few common scenarios and how you might handle them:

He admitted he has feeder tendencies/fetish: This is a significant moment. If he owned up to it, he might feel nervous about what you think of him now. First, take a deep breath. You have confirmation of what you suspected. You might feel a swirl of relief (you were right) and anxiety (what does this mean for us?). It’s perfectly okay to say, “Thank you for telling me. I need a little time to process this.” You don’t have to deliver an immediate verdict on how you feel about it. If you’re comfortable, ask him to share more about what feederism means to him. Is it primarily a sexual fantasy in his head, or was he actively trying to make it reality with you? How important is it to his overall satisfaction? Listening to him in a non-judgmental way does not mean you are agreeing to go along with it – you’re gathering information. He might, for example, explain that he discovered this fetish years ago, spends time on forums or watching certain videos, and that with you it sort of “came out” because he loves you and is attracted to you. He might also express guilt for not telling you or fear that you’ll leave. Hearing his side can humanize his fetish and might reduce your sense of being objectified (he chose you to be with, after all, not just any person to fatten up). Once things are in the open, you can skip ahead to the sections on boundaries and deciding what you want, because that will be your next step.
He strongly denied it and had an explanation: Maybe his response was, “No, I’m not into anything like that, I swear. I just love you and I like feeding you, but it’s not a fetish.” This could be the truth — or not. How to tell? Gauge his demeanor. Was he open and understanding of your question, or defensive and dismissive? If he was calm and said something like, “I get why you might think that, but honestly I hadn’t even heard of that fetish. I do enjoy when you enjoy food… I guess maybe I overdo it. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable,” then he might really be just a food-loving, well-meaning guy with no sexual intent. You could then say, “Thanks for understanding. Maybe just be mindful that I don’t always want to eat a lot. But I do appreciate how much you care.” Together you can find a balance (he can still show love with food, but he’ll respect your limits more).

However, if his denial was accompanied by anger or ridicule (“That’s ridiculous, I’m not some weirdo, why would you even think that?!”), two things might be going on: either you hit the nail on the head and he panicked, or he’s genuinely not into it and felt insulted by the implication. This is tricky. You know him best – has he reacted similarly when accused of something untrue before? Or is this out-of-character shame behavior? If he got very defensive, you might choose to drop it for now but keep an eye on whether the feeding behaviors change. Sometimes, bringing it up will cause a closet feeder to back off the behavior out of fear of being found out further. If you notice he suddenly stops the constant encouragement to eat and becomes more “normal” about food after your talk, it could be a sign you were right (and he’s trying to course-correct without admitting it). Alternatively, if nothing changes and he keeps pushing food, you may need to revisit the conversation later, perhaps in counseling, because your feelings remain valid.

He sort-of admitted it (“maybe a little”): It’s possible he said something like, “I mean… I wouldn’t call it a fetish, but yeah I really love seeing you eat. It does turn me on, I guess, but it’s not the only thing.” This gray area admission means he’s testing the waters. He’s admitting there is an element of sexual enjoyment, but likely trying to downplay it (“not the only thing”). In this case, you basically have confirmation that feederism is in the mix, even if he doesn’t label it as such. You can proceed much as if he fully admitted it. Thank him for being honest and say you appreciate him telling you that it does arouse him. You now have to evaluate how you feel about participating (we’ll get to that). You can also clarify, “When you say it’s not the only thing, I’m glad – because I want to be sure you’re attracted to all of me, not just the food part. Is this more like a fun enhancement for you, or a core necessity?” Getting that clarity will help you know how flexible he might be.
He hadn’t consciously realized it until now: Occasionally, a person might actually not have fully acknowledged their own fetish. If your boyfriend is fairly young or inexperienced, he might have these feederish tendencies without having put a name to them. Your discussion could be something of an awakening for him too. He might say, “I never thought of it as a fetish… I do like it a lot when you eat, but I didn’t realize it was ‘a thing.’” This can lead to a very honest exploration together. Perhaps he’ll agree to read about it (maybe even this guide) to see if it resonates with him. This scenario can be positive, because you’re discovering the truth together in real time, and you can set the tone of how to handle it moving forward (with lots of communication and care).

No matter which of these scenarios (or another) happens, give yourselves time to digest (no pun intended) the conversation. This is heavy stuff. You might both need a day or two of normalcy afterward to just emotionally regroup. It’s okay to say, “Let’s not make any big decisions right away. Maybe we can think things over and talk more this weekend,” so you each have space.

What’s critical now is what you want. Now that you have more information, the ball is in your court to decide what you’re comfortable with. Are you open to continuing the relationship knowing this kink is part of it? Do you feel willing (or even somewhat curious) to participate in feederism scenarios with him? Or is the idea a firm boundary or deal-breaker for you? There’s no wrong answer – only what’s right for you. In the next sections, we’ll dig into setting boundaries, exploring options, and a checklist to help you make your decision.

Setting Boundaries: Can This Kink Fit Into Your Life?

Whether your boyfriend’s feederism is something he openly confessed or something you’re still cautiously aware of, the next crucial step is to establish boundaries that protect your comfort and health. Just because he has this fetish does not automatically mean you must indulge it. The question is: to what extent (if any) are you comfortable accommodating his feeder tendencies? And what conditions are non-negotiable for you?

A healthy relationship – especially one involving a kink – requires mutual consent, respect, and communication at every step. If you both decide to keep dating and address this fetish, you’ll need to have a frank discussion about limits. Here’s how you might approach boundary-setting, along with examples of what those boundaries could look like:

1. Reiterate Your Autonomy: Start by affirming, for both of you, a fundamental truth: your body belongs to you. As one expert succinctly put it, “Your body is your own and you ultimately decide what gets to go in it.” annapulley.com. It’s important your boyfriend fully acknowledges this. You can tell him, “I care about you and I understand this is something you enjoy. But I need you to understand that I will always have the final say about what I eat and how my body looks. I can’t promise to gain weight or eat beyond what I’m comfortable with just for the fetish.” Laying it out like that sets the ground rule that any exploration of feederism has to happen within the confines of your comfort zone. If he can’t accept that, then that’s a serious issue (and maybe a sign the relationship can’t continue). But if he loves and respects you, he should agree that of course your comfort comes first.

2. Decide How Much (if at all) You’re Willing to Participate: This is deeply personal. Take some time to introspect. Does the idea of engaging in a bit of feederism play disgust you, intrigue you, or neither? You might find that you’re okay with some mild aspects but not others. Here are some possibilities along the spectrum:

“I’m not comfortable engaging in this fetish at all.” This is a valid stance. If the whole idea turns you off or conflicts with your values (for instance, if you have strong feelings about maintaining a certain lifestyle or you have a history of eating disorders that this would aggravate), you can draw a hard line. That would mean telling him gently, “I understand this is part of you, but I don’t want to incorporate feederism into our relationship. I’m okay with you enjoying the fact that I love food, but I don’t want it to be a sexual thing we deliberately do.” From there, he would need to agree not to push food in a fetishy way and perhaps keep that fantasy to himself (or limit it to solo activities like fetish websites). This scenario might require compromise from him (more on that in a second).
“I’m okay with light feeder-play, but with limits.” Maybe you’re somewhat open to indulging him occasionally, as long as it doesn’t impact your health or comfort significantly. For example, you could agree that once in a while you’ll do a fun feeding session – say, he prepares an indulgent dinner and hand-feeds you, or you allow him to rub your belly after a big meal – as a form of sexual play. But you might set a limit like, “We do this rarely, and I decide when. I’m not going to actively gain weight for you beyond maybe a temporary bloated tummy in a single night.” You could also specify no hiding or sneaking extra calories – everything has to be consensual in the moment. By establishing this, you give him a channel to express his fetish in a controlled way, while you maintain overall boundaries (like not actually ending up 50 pounds heavier unless you explicitly choose to).
“I’m willing to explore it more deeply.” Perhaps after learning about it, you find it kind of exciting too, or at least you’re very open-minded. You might be willing to experiment further – maybe you don’t mind gaining some weight or you actually enjoy eating and wouldn’t mind the extra encouragement. If that’s the case, you STILL need boundaries (for instance, an upper limit to how much weight you’re willing to gain, or health check-ins). But your boundaries might be more flexible. For instance, “We can incorporate feeding into our sex life occasionally, and I’m okay if I go up a dress size, but I don’t want my weight to ever exceed X,” or “If we do this, we both have to also pay attention to my health. We’ll keep an eye on my blood pressure/cholesterol, etc., and not go overboard.” It might sound business-like, but explicitly agreeing on these limits prevents things from sneaking up on you. Feederism, if left unchecked, could lead to significant weight changes that you might later regret if they weren’t fully thought through. So even if you’re game, set some guardrails. Enthusiastic consent must remain ongoing – you have the right to stop or adjust if at any point you feel uncomfortable.

3. Communicate Those Boundaries Clearly: Whatever you decide, have a follow-up talk with your boyfriend (it could be in the same conversation as the initial one or separate) where you lay out what you are and aren’t okay with. Be specific. People sometimes think certain things are “implied,” but when it comes to fetishes, it’s better to spell it out. You might say, for example:

“I’ve thought about it, and I’m willing to occasionally let you feed me in a playful way. But I need to be the one to say when, and if I say I’m done or I don’t want more, you must respect that immediately. No pouting or trying to convince me. Can you do that?” Then wait for his agreement.
Or, “I know you fantasize about me gaining weight. I’m willing to maybe not worry about a few extra pounds, but I’m not going to actively stuff myself all the time. I still want to eat normally most days. You can enjoy it when I do indulge, but you have to promise not to pressure me on days I don’t. And if I decide to diet or lose weight for my own reasons, I need you to support me just like I’d support you. I can’t have sabotage.” Watch his reaction to this; if he loves you, he should say something like, “Of course, I would support you.” If he looks unhappy or reluctant, that’s a conversation – does he realize he must prioritize you, not just the fetish?
If you’re not going to participate at all: “I need us to keep our intimate life separate from this feederism thing. I’m willing to keep enjoying food together as a normal couple, but I don’t want you to try to make it sexual, and I need you to stop encouraging me to eat past when I say I’m full. Can you adjust to that for me?” This might be hard for him to hear, but if he agrees, he might still privately have the fetish (maybe he’ll use porn or forums to deal with it), but he knows acting it out with you is off-limits. If he can’t agree and continues to push boundaries, that’s a serious red flag that he’s not respecting you (and a potential deal-breaker).

4. Address Health Concerns Openly: One of the elephants in the room with feederism is the health aspect. Significant weight gain can lead to health issues (as can overeating in one sitting, if extreme). If you have any medical concerns (for example, a family history of diabetes, or your own prior health scares), bring them up. “My health is important to me, and I won’t compromise it. We have to be mindful. I won’t do frequent huge stuffings because it makes me feel sick and it’s unhealthy to do often.” A loving partner, fetish or not, should care about your well-being. You might even decide on practical limits like, “Let’s not do big dessert binges more than once a month,” or, “If I say I need to diet for a while, I expect you to understand it’s for my health.” Some feeder couples actually plan out how to balance the fetish with health – e.g., incorporating exercise or nutrient-rich high-calorie foods to minimize health damage progressivetherapeutic.com.au. Whether or not you want to accommodate at that level, it’s wise to put health on the table as a non-negotiable priority.

5. Consider a Safe Word or Signal: This is a strategy borrowed from BDSM communities, but it can apply here if you’re doing fetish play. Agree on a word or cue either of you can use to pause or stop the activity immediately if anyone feels uncomfortable progressivetherapeutic.com.au. For instance, maybe if you say “I’m full” that should be respected as final (not just a coy “oh I’m so full” that he might think is part of the play). Or choose an unrelated word like “red light” that clearly means stop. This might sound formal, but it can actually make you feel safer to experiment if you know you can halt the moment he’s crossing a line and that he’s agreed to honor it.

6. Ensure He Also Sets Boundaries (and Understands the Consequences): Boundaries aren’t just for you – he might have them too. For instance, perhaps he says, “I understand you don’t want to gain a lot. I’m okay with that, but I don’t think I could handle it if you lost a significant amount of weight either.” That’s something to consider. He’s expressing that as his boundary or at least a concern. Both of you should lay cards out: what can each of you live with or not live with? If his needs and your boundaries simply don’t overlap (e.g., he must eventually have a very fat partner to be happy, and you absolutely won’t be that), then it’s better to realize that now than later. It might mean the relationship ultimately isn’t compatible, which is painful but sometimes necessary. On the other hand, you might find a middle ground you both are okay with.

For example, maybe he says, “It’s okay if you don’t gain more; I can enjoy looking at feeder content online to satisfy that urge and I won’t push you.” That could be a workable compromise (as long as you’re comfortable with him engaging with that content – if not, that’s another boundary to discuss: perhaps you prefer he not involve third parties or online personas, etc.). Some couples in similar situations agree that the partner with the fetish can consume related porn or communities privately, but they won’t pressure their actual partner. Essentially, he gets his fix harmlessly, and you two have a more conventional relationship dynamic day-to-day. If you go this route, you might establish boundaries like no contacting other people for fetish stuff (to ensure it doesn’t turn into cheating or him seeking a feedee behind your back). It might simply be occasional videos. Only you can say if you’re comfortable with that scenario – it depends on how you view pornography/fantasy in a relationship.

7. Write It Down (Optional but Helpful): It might help to literally write out a “agreement” together. This isn’t a legal thing, of course, just a mutual understanding. For example, bullet point the key boundaries: “X will not pressure Y to eat when she says she’s done. Y agrees to communicate if she’s feeling objectified or unhealthy. X can mention his desires only in agreed-upon contexts. We will have a check-in talk once a month about how this is feeling for both of us,” etc. This might be more structure than you need, but some couples find it useful especially in kink contexts to formalize consent and limits in writing so there’s no confusion. Even if you don’t write it, recap verbally: “So just to sum up, we’re saying... [list your points]. Does that sound right?”

By establishing boundaries, you transform an uneasy, unspoken dynamic into a negotiated, consensual aspect of your relationship (or confirm it won’t be part of your relationship at all). This takes feederism from being something happening to you to something you have control and a say in. That shift can do wonders for your peace of mind and sense of empowerment.

However, setting boundaries is only half the story. The other half is seeing if those boundaries are respected in practice. Give it some time and observe. Does he follow through on what was agreed? If he slips up (e.g., one night he keeps pushing food when you already said no), call it out and remind him. One slip could be habit; repeated slips mean he’s not honoring your agreement, and that’s a serious problem.

At the end of the day, both you and he have to decide if this arrangement meets your needs. That leads us to an important self-reflection: should you stay and adapt, or is it better to walk away? The next section provides a checklist of questions to help you weigh that decision.

Decision Time: Should You Stay, Compromise, or Walk Away?

Now comes the personal soul-searching. There’s no universal “right answer” to whether you should continue this relationship – it depends on your unique bond, your values, and how you feel about what you’ve learned. To help clarify your thoughts, consider the following decision-making checklist. These questions can guide you in assessing the situation and your own heart:

Do I feel safe and respected? – This is paramount. Think about both physical and emotional safety. Did my boyfriend respect the boundaries we discussed (or, before that, when I said I was full, etc.)? Do I feel he truly cares about me (my health, comfort, consent), or am I feeling like an object for his fantasy? If you don’t feel respected, that’s a glaring red flag. Trust and respect are non-negotiable foundations for any relationship. For instance, if he agreed to stop sneaking extra butter into your meals but you caught him doing it again, that betrayal of trust is serious. Contrastly, if he has been gentle, apologetic, and clearly trying to put your needs first once you discussed it, that’s a positive sign.
How do I feel about feederism personally? – Everyone will have a different gut reaction. Some people might find it outright unappealing or even disturbing; others might be neutral or even curious. There’s no wrong feeling. Ask yourself: If I never knew my boyfriend and just heard about feederism, what would I think? Does the idea of participating make you feel icky, indifferent, or a bit excited? Your honest reaction matters. If it’s strongly negative, that doesn’t automatically doom the relationship, but it means a compromise where you don’t have to engage is necessary (and he’d have to accept that). If it’s somewhat positive or neutral, you might have more flexibility in finding a middle ground.
Am I comfortable with my body changing (if that’s part of his desire)? – This is huge. Feederism ultimately is about changing the feedee’s body. How do you feel about your body right now and in the future? If you generally like to keep fit or you have certain size at which you feel happiest, gaining significant weight might hurt your self-esteem. Imagine yourself, say, 20 or 30 pounds heavier (since that could realistically happen over time if feederism is heavily in play). Would you be okay with that? Some women are completely fine with extra weight or even prefer a softer body; others know it would depress them or cause identity issues. You mustn’t sacrifice your own body image and mental health to satisfy a partner’s fetish – that’s a recipe for resentment and unhappiness. So be very honest here. On the flip side, maybe you’ve already gained some weight in this relationship – do you like or dislike that? Your feelings about it can guide how much you’re willing to allow going forward. Remember: you have the right to your own fitness and body goals. True love should not require you to become unhealthy or unhappy in your skin. If you feel you’d never be okay intentionally gaining weight, that needs to be clear in your decision.
How central is this fetish to his identity and happiness? – Fetishes vary in intensity. For some people, it’s a fun enhancement to sex life but not a requirement; for others, it’s deeply ingrained and they can’t be sexually satisfied without it. From your talks, try to gauge where your boyfriend falls. Did he indicate this is a longstanding fantasy that really drives his arousal? Has he only dated bigger women or tried this before? Does he spend a lot of time on fetish content? If it seems like feederism is a core part of who he is sexually, then if you’re not into it, he may struggle long-term to feel fulfilled. That doesn’t mean you should just give in – it means you both have to recognize there might be a fundamental incompatibility. As one relationship advisor noted, if a fetish can’t be disentangled from one’s feelings or self-image, it may be a dealbreaker annapulley.com. On the other hand, if he downplayed it and said it’s not the only thing that matters to him, and if his actions show he enjoys plenty of other aspects of intimacy with you (unrelated to food), then it might be more manageable. Essentially, consider: If I don’t participate in this fetish much or at all, can he be happy with me? If the answer from his side seems to be no (even if he doesn’t say it aloud), that’s important information.
Are the other aspects of our relationship strong enough? – Evaluate the rest of the relationship. How is everything else between you two? Do you share similar life goals, values, mutual love and support? Is the communication generally good (aside from this hidden area)? If this relationship is amazing in all other ways and this is the one hiccup, you might decide it’s worth working through or compromising. But if there are other significant problems or you were already on the fence about the relationship, this fetish issue might just be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Sometimes we overweight the importance of keeping a relationship because of time invested, but remember you deserve a loving partnership that doesn’t constantly stress you out. Write down the pros and cons of your relationship in general, not just feederism. This broader view can help you see if the relationship foundation is strong or if it has cracks beyond this.
How do I feel about him now that I know? – This is a gut-check on your attraction and affection. Some women find that once they learn of a partner’s hidden fetish, especially one involving them, they can’t look at him the same way. It might introduce an element of distrust (“Was anything real or was it all about the fetish?”) or even reduce your sexual attraction (“If he only wants me when I’m chubby, do I even want him?”). Alternatively, you might feel closer or compassionate (“He trusted me with his secret, and I still love him”). Listen to that inner voice. If you feel too weirded out or too hurt, those feelings might not easily fade. It’s not shallow to consider this – sexual and romantic chemistry matters. If in your heart you feel this revelation has fundamentally changed your desire to be with him, it’s important to acknowledge that.
Is there a possible compromise that truly satisfies us both? – Think about what a middle path would look like. Perhaps the compromise is: he tones down the feeder behavior majorly, and you occasionally indulge him a tiny bit (like letting him feed you a bite of cake now and then in a flirty way). Would that be enough for him? Would that be tolerable for you? Or maybe the compromise is that you allow some weight gain within a limit and he agrees that beyond that, it’s off-limits. Or, if you are not into it at all, maybe the only compromise is he keeps it completely out of your interactions, and maybe sees a kink-friendly therapist or uses online outlets to cope. Do you think the relationship can function happily under those terms? Try to imagine daily life under whatever scenario you consider and gauge if that life is a happy one for you. If every meal would still stress you out because you’re on guard, that’s not good. If you can imagine a scenario where you both get at least some of what you need and are content, that’s a positive sign.
Have I considered seeking professional advice together? – If you’re on the fence or want to try to make it work but aren’t sure how, consider couples counseling, especially with a therapist familiar with kink dynamics. A therapist can provide a safe space for both of you to express feelings and negotiate boundaries with a mediator’s help. They can also help him understand your perspective and vice versa. Feederism is unusual enough that a regular therapist might not have encountered it, but many therapists are trained to handle discussions of sexual issues non-judgmentally. If he’s open to it, this could be a path to salvaging the relationship in a healthy way. If he refuses therapy or says “this is my fetish, take it or leave it,” that intransigence is a data point for your decision (leaning towards leave it).
What does my support network say? – While it’s not great to spill your partner’s private fetish to everyone, talking to one trusted confidant can help. Is there a close friend or a sister or someone who knows you deeply and has good judgment? If you explain the situation (again, preferably without shaming – just factually “he has this fetish and I’m not sure how I feel”), what’s their reaction? Sometimes an outside perspective can highlight things you didn’t see. They might say, “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately worrying about this. I see it’s taking a toll on you.” Or, “Knowing you, I think you could roll with this if he respects your limits – you’ve always been adventurous.” Friends can remind us of our values and patterns. Just pick someone you trust to be supportive rather than scandalized.
Can I envision a future with him, fetish and all? – This is a big-picture question. When you picture your life 5 or 10 years from now with this man, what does it look like? Are you happy? Does the feederism issue loom large, or is it a minor footnote in an otherwise loving partnership? Think about possible life events: if you got pregnant (which naturally involves weight gain and body changes), how would he handle that (could be a minefield or maybe a perk to him)? If you faced health issues that required dietary changes, would he adapt or struggle? If you married him, could you trust him not to sneak-feed potential children in unhealthy ways (a far-off thought, but worth pondering if you want kids and he has a feeding fixation)? While it’s impossible to predict everything, your intuition about the future matters. Sometimes the heart knows when something is unsustainable long-term.

After considering these questions, you might still feel torn, or you might have a clearer sense of direction. If you lean towards staying and working it out, ensure that you and he are on the same page about the boundaries and that you both feel the relationship is worth the effort. If you lean towards leaving, know that it’s a courageous choice to prioritize your well-being. You deserve a relationship where you feel comfortable and true to yourself. It might hurt to end things if you love him, but staying in a situation that erodes your self-esteem or happiness will hurt more in the long run.

Sometimes, despite love, two people’s sexual needs and life desires aren’t compatible – and that’s nobody’s fault. If it comes to a breakup, it doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person; it just means you weren’t the right match for this aspect. In the context of feederism, it’s better to separate than to enter a cycle of push-and-pull where he constantly yearns for something you won’t give, and you feel constantly pressured or guilted.

If you choose to leave, you can decide how much you want to say as a reason. You can be honest: “I’ve thought about it a lot, and I realize I’m not comfortable having this fetish as part of my life. I care about you, but I don’t think I can be the partner you need in this area, and it’s causing me too much stress.” That way, he understands it’s not because he’s “unlovable,” but because of the situation. He might be hurt, but he likely also knows deep down that having a mismatched fetish can end a relationship (it’s a risk anyone with a strong kink takes when dating).

On the other hand, if you decide to stay, remember that this is not a one-and-done conversation. Ongoing communication will be key. You two should check in periodically: “Hey, how are you feeling about how we’ve handled the feederism thing? Is this working for you?” and you share your side too. Feelings can change over time – you might become less okay with it, or maybe more okay with it, who knows. Keeping the dialogue open will prevent resentment from building quietly.

Lastly, know that whichever path you choose, you are not alone and you are not wrong for choosing it. Many couples deal with sexual incompatibilities or fetish revelations. Some work through it successfully with compromise, others part ways amicably, others stay but with some tension. You get to aim for the outcome that brings you the most peace and happiness.

Empowerment, Self-Care, and Moving Forward

No matter what you decide about your relationship, one thing is certain: you deserve to feel empowered and good about yourself. This experience – of questioning your boyfriend’s motives, confronting a hidden fetish, and asserting your needs – can actually be an opportunity for personal growth and self-love. Here are a few final thoughts on taking care of yourself and embracing an empowered mindset as you move forward:

Reclaim your relationship with food (and your body): If the whole feederism saga has made eating feel complicated or made you self-conscious about your weight, make a conscious effort to reclaim these things for you. Food should be something you enjoy for nourishment and pleasure, not a source of anxiety about what someone else is thinking. Remind yourself that it’s okay to enjoy a meal without worrying about any fetish context. Conversely, it’s okay to diet or exercise for your own well-being without guilt. Your body is not a prop; it’s your home. You might find it helpful to set some personal health goals (totally independent of your boyfriend’s input) to reinforce that autonomy. Whether that’s I want to go for a walk three times a week to feel strong or I’m going to bake my favorite cookies and relish them without anyone’s influence, do things that make you feel in control and happy with your body. If you struggled with feeling objectified, activities like yoga, dance, or any form of movement can help reconnect you with your body on your own terms, rebuilding confidence.
Seek support if needed: This is a unique challenge, and sometimes talking it through with a professional can help you heal and grow. If the emotional toll is heavy (for example, if you feel betrayed or if the whole thing triggered past body-image issues), consider seeing a therapist on your own. Therapy isn’t just for couples in conflict; it can be a place for you to process feelings without judgment. There are even sex-positive therapists who understand kinks and can help you navigate how you feel about it. If therapy isn’t accessible, even continued conversations with a trusted friend can be therapeutic. Don’t isolate yourself in confusion or shame – reaching out is a sign of strength.
Affirm your self-worth: It’s worth stating again: your worth is not determined by your weight, your appetite, or your ability to accommodate someone else’s fetish. You are a whole person with myriad qualities that make you lovable. If at any point your boyfriend (or anyone) made you feel like you’re only loved for your body or what you do with it, challenge that thought. List things your boyfriend has expressed loving about you not related to food or body – maybe your sense of humor, your kindness, your intellect. If that list seems short, list things you know are great about you. Keep that mental list handy. Sometimes unusual situations like this can chip away at one’s self-esteem subtly; counteract that by actively affirming your positives. You might even say to yourself every morning: “I deserve to be with someone who loves and respects me completely. I am enough as I am.”
Maintain boundaries in the future: If you stay together, be vigilant but fair about the boundaries. You shouldn’t have to constantly police him – that would be exhausting – but it’s okay to occasionally check in. If you notice any slippage into old habits, address it sooner rather than later. On the other hand, also acknowledge if he’s making positive changes, e.g., “I noticed you haven’t been pushing food on me like before. I really appreciate that you listened.” Positive reinforcement can go a long way and doesn’t cost anything. It shows him that you value the effort he’s putting in to respect your needs.
If single again, don’t rush into anything: Should you break up, give yourself time before dating again. You might have some lingering trust issues or wariness (“what hidden thing might the next guy have?”). It might help to reflect on any red flags you saw in hindsight this time, not to blame yourself but to learn. Perhaps in the future you’ll be more attuned to a partner’s relationship with food early on. But also, don’t let this experience make you cynical. Not every man has a secret agenda. Plenty of partners will communicate their desires openly or just have more mainstream preferences. When you do feel ready to date, you can even use this experience as a gauge of someone’s communication style: you might value openness and candor even more now, and choose partners who demonstrate that.
Celebrate your courage and growth: Seriously, take a moment to acknowledge that what you’ve dealt with isn’t easy. It took courage to face it head-on. Many people might have just ignored the problem, but you chose to seek information and confront it – that’s brave and proactive. Regardless of the outcome, you likely learned a lot about yourself: about your boundaries, about how you handle conflict, about what you want in a relationship. That knowledge is powerful. It will serve you in all areas of life, not just romance. Give yourself credit for that growth. You might journal about what you’ve learned or even just reward yourself with a self-care treat (like a spa day or a new book or a fun outing with friends) now that this weight (pun intended) is somewhat lifted.
Couples can survive this (if both work at it): If you chose to stay and you both are committed, be heartened that relationships can navigate fetish differences. It takes understanding and sometimes compromise on both sides, but many couples have variations in libido or kinks and still have fulfilling relationships by finding common ground annapulley.com annapulley.com. The fact that he wasn’t policing your weight but rather celebrating it means, in a twisted way, he was always admiring you – that’s something you can potentially channel positively. Some couples in your situation even find that once it’s no longer a secret, it becomes less tense: maybe you share a private joke now, or you indulge a mild version of it and then move on with your day. It might or might not be like that for you, but transparency can sometimes bring people closer. The important thing is that it’s consensual and negotiated now, not one-sided.
Know when to let go: Conversely, if you gave it a try and it’s just not sitting right with you, or he slipped back into pressuring behavior, don’t feel you have to stick it out indefinitely. You’re allowed to change your mind. If you find yourself unhappy more often than not, it might be time to walk away for your own well-being. That, too, is self-care: recognizing when something isn’t working and choosing a healthier path.

In conclusion, dealing with the question “Is my boyfriend a feeder?” may have been something you never in a million years expected to confront. But life throws curveballs, and you’ve handled this one with the willingness to understand and communicate. That’s something to be proud of. Whether you end up continuing the relationship with newfound understanding, or moving on to find someone more aligned with your needs, what’s certain is that you are exiting this situation with more knowledge and strength than you had before.

You deserve love, honesty, and respect, and those aren’t too much to ask for. A fetish like feederism is just one facet of a person – it doesn’t define your boyfriend entirely, nor does it define your relationship’s fate entirely. What really matters is how both of you choose to deal with it together.

Whatever you decide, remember to put yourself first. It’s not selfish; it’s healthy. When you take care of your own needs and self-respect, you ultimately pave the way for healthier relationships, whether with the current boyfriend or someone new.

Here’s to you making the choice that brings you peace, confidence, and happiness. Good luck, and trust yourself – you’ve got this.