Is Your Feederism Fetish Controlling You?

Does this sound familiar? You feel an intense surge of anger or despair when your partner skips dessert. You grow resentful or depressed if they lose a few pounds. Your libido and happiness skyrocket on days they overeat, only to plummet when they cut back. If you’re a feeder whose fetish has started running the show, it’s time to face the issue head-on. A fetish can be a healthy part of a relationship – when it’s consensual, balanced, and doesn’t eclipse real life. But when your sexual obsession takes precedence and begins to get in the way of a healthy relationship, it’s crossed into unhealthy territory gentlepathmeadows.com. In fact, clinicians warn that a fetish is “unhealthy when it violates consent, involves harming yourself or other people, or when it gets out of control.” gentlepathmeadows.com If your moods, self-worth, and sexual availability are chained to your partner’s weight, that’s a glaring red flag. The good news is you can break this cycle. This guide will help you recognize the psychological traps behind your dependency, and arm you with concrete tools – from CBT reframing to mindfulness – to take back control. It will be direct and unapologetically honest, because reclaiming your relationship and identity from a fetish requires nothing less. Let’s dive in.

Recognizing the Warning Signs

Before anything can change, you need to call out the problem in plain terms. Fetish-fueled emotional dependency often creeps in gradually. Here are some warning signs to confirm that your feederism fetish is controlling you, rather than the other way around:

Your emotions swing with your partner’s eating habits: When they eat a big meal or gain weight, you feel joy, relief, love. But if they diet or drop a pound, you spiral into sadness or irritability. Your mood chart might as well be a food log for your partner’s intake.
Sexual availability on a short fuse: You find you’re only really aroused or affectionate when your fetish is being indulged. On days your partner isn’t “cooperating” with the feeding fantasy, you withdraw emotionally or lose interest in sex. Intimacy has become conditional on the fetish.
Resentment and pressure: You catch yourself nagging, bribing, or guilting your partner into eating more. You might not hold a funnel to their lips, but you’ve hinted that if they loved you, they’d finish that second helping. You may even have threatened to leave or shown anger when they talked about losing weight. (One analysis noted that feederism can devolve into “force feeding or the threat of ending a relationship to encourage someone to eat”, which is clearly abusive globalcomment.com.)
Neglecting reality for fantasy: Perhaps you spend a lot of time on fetish forums, weight-gain erotica, or daydreaming about your partner being fatter – to the point that you’re disconnected from who your partner really is. Real-life needs (health, social activities, basic couple intimacy) feel like annoying interruptions to your fetish fantasy.

If you see yourself in these descriptions, stop and acknowledge it. This doesn’t mean you’re a “bad” person or beyond help. It means a line has been crossed. As sex therapists remind us, fetishes by themselves aren’t inherently bad – it’s all in how you act on them. A fetish can absolutely be part of a healthy sex life if it’s practiced safely, consensually, and without undermining daily life or relationships firststepmenstherapy.com. But when a fetish interferes with your daily functioning or causes distress to you or your partner, it has become problematic firststepmenstherapy.com firststepmenstherapy.com. Recognizing that your relationship is suffering is the first wake-up call. Now, let’s figure out why this is happening – and what you can do about it.

The Psychology of Fetish Dependency: Why You Feel “High” and Crash “Low”

Your emotional rollercoaster isn’t random. There are powerful psychological mechanisms at work that make your fetish feel like a lifeline – and leave you floundering when it’s not met. Understanding these mechanisms is crucial. It’s not an excuse for harmful behavior, but it is the key to undoing your dependency. Let’s break down what might be happening in your brain and heart:

Fetish, Dopamine, and the Reward System Trap

At a basic level, your brain has likely become hooked on the rush your feederism fetish provides. Think of each time your partner overeats or gains weight as giving you a big hit of pleasure – your brain lights up with dopamine, the neurotransmitter of reward and motivation. Over time, the brain can get really used to these intense hits. It starts to crave more and more stimulation just to feel the same thrill or even to feel normal npr.org. This is classic reward system dysregulation: the same cycle seen in addictions to drugs, gambling, or food.

Overloading on any pleasure – whether it’s sugar, sex, or fetish fulfillment – can desensitize the brain’s reward pathways. When we’re repeatedly flooded with dopamine, the brain adjusts by reducing its sensitivity. Eventually, we need the fetish stimulus just to avoid feeling bad, not even to feel great npr.org. The result? When your fetish isn’t happening, you go into a mild withdrawal. Psychiatrist Dr. Anna Lembke describes it as a “dopamine deficit state” – without your usual pleasure fix, you experience symptoms like depression, anxiety, irritability, and craving npr.org npr.org. Sound familiar? Your “fix” is seeing your partner indulging and growing. Take that away, and you’re hit with frustration, restless agitation, maybe even insomnia from stewing in unmet desire.

In plain terms, you’ve trained your brain to associate your partner’s weight gain with feeling good, loved, powerful, sexually alive. When reality doesn’t match the fetish script (say, they maintain or lose weight), your brain registers a loss. It’s as if something is “wrong” or missing, and it sends you panic and anger signals. This reward system loop can hijack your priorities: suddenly nothing in your relationship (or life) feels as satisfying as that dopamine hit when the fetish is in full swing. You start ignoring other sources of happiness. Hobbies, friends, simple romantic intimacy, even basic talking or cuddling with your partner may fall by the wayside. (One clinician pointed out that fetish behavior often lacks the richer rewards of normal intimacy – the talking, kissing, caressing that deepen a bond psychologytoday.com. When you hyper-focus on the fetish, you miss out on these genuine pleasures and connections.)

The takeaway: your brain chemistry is amplifying your fetish cravings and dulling everything else. It’s not because you’re “crazy” or evil; it’s because brains do what they do with repeated rewards. But awareness is power. Once you realize your irritability and obsession have a biological basis, you can approach it like any other dependency – with strategies to reset your reward system and find balance again.

Fear, Attachment, and Control: The Emotional Anchors

Biology is only part of the story. There’s also a deeply emotional, psychological component: how your fetish has tangled up with your feelings of love, fear, and security in the relationship. Many feeders in this situation have an anxious attachment style or underlying insecurities that the fetish behavior temporarily soothes.

Ask yourself: Why does it upset you so much if your partner isn’t gaining weight? What does that mean to you? For a lot of people, it triggers a primal fear: “Do they still desire me? Am I losing them?” If you have an anxious attachment tendency, you likely crave reassurance and closeness from your partner, and you may feel easily rejected attachmentproject.com. In an anxious mind, even a small sign of “pulling away” can set off alarm bells. And your partner not indulging your fetish can feel like a form of rejection or distance – even if that’s not what they intend. Psychologists note that people with anxious attachment can become emotionally labile (unstable) and even angry or panicked when they sense their partner isn’t 100% “there” for them attachmentproject.com. Does that ring a bell? Your extreme reactions – the anger, the despair – might actually be attachment anxiety in disguise. Deep down, you fear: “If they won’t do this for me, maybe they don’t love me enough… maybe they’ll leave… maybe I’m not enough.” Those feelings are scary, so you try to regain control the only way you know – by doubling down on the fetish that makes you feel secure and connected.

There’s also often an element of control-based behavior here. Let’s be brutally honest: feederism in its unhealthy form can become a way to possess or immobilize a partner. You might rationalize it as “I just love bigger bodies,” but if you’re compulsively pushing your partner to eat more, somewhere inside you might like the idea of them becoming dependent on you (for food, for approval) and perhaps even less likely to leave. This is a dark thought, and hard to admit. But it surfaces in extreme cases – feeders who confess they enjoy that their partner is now so large they struggle to move or attract outside attention. It’s about power. The academic literature has started calling this out as a form of coercive control in relationships. One study analyzed feederism as a potential type of intimate partner violence, noting how “weight surveillance” (monitoring your partner’s weight/size) and shaming or pressuring them to eat threatens their bodily autonomy pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. In plain language: telling your partner, “You’d better not lose weight” or emotionally punishing them for not eating is a way of controlling their body, which is not okay.

Recognizing any controlling streak in yourself is uncomfortable. You might think, “I’d never truly harm them, I just get upset.” Yet, consider that even emotional pressure is harmful. The toxicity of this dynamic is well-documented: in feederism gone wrong, partners have felt trapped and objectified – essentially reduced to fetish objects rather than loved individuals globalcomment.com globalcomment.com. If your partner has expressed discomfort or tried to set limits (like “I don’t want to eat more” or “I need to diet for my health”) and your response was to fight, cry, or rage, you’re not respecting their autonomy. That is a hard truth: love never forces. Pushing food on someone who doesn’t want it, or making your affection conditional on their weight, crosses the line into emotional abuse globalcomment.com.

On the flip side, you might also be using the fetish to medicate your own feelings. Sex therapists note that people often use sexual behaviors to manage emotions – for example, anxious individuals might use sex or fetish play to seek reassurance and approval from their partner attachmentproject.com. If you feel insecure or down on yourself, getting your partner to engage in your fetish might temporarily boost your ego: “They’re doing this for me, I matter, I have sexual power.” It’s a way to avoid feeling inadequate. Unfortunately, this quick fix fades, and you end up needing it again (and more intensely) to keep the doubts away.

Summing up the psychology: Your dependency likely stems from a mix of a reward-hungry brain and an insecure heart. The fetish gives you highs that chemically and emotionally blot out fear, stress, or loneliness. When those highs wear off, you crash into even worse lows – irritable, anxious, feeling empty or unloved. Then you chase the fetish again. It’s a vicious cycle, but one you can break. Next, we’ll look at what healthy vs. unhealthy feederism really means, and then move into concrete strategies to get you off this rollercoaster.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Feederism: Drawing the Line

It’s important to realize that feederism itself is not automatically abusive or destructive. There are couples who incorporate feederism in a way that’s mutually respectful and enjoyable. The key differences lie in consent, balance, and well-being. Let’s contrast what healthy vs. unhealthy expressions of this fetish might look like:

Healthy Feederism:

Consent and Comfort are Paramount: Both partners enthusiastically consent to any feeding or weight gain play. Either can say “not tonight” or set limits without fear of anger. There’s open communication about boundaries.
Respect for Autonomy: The feeder respects that it’s ultimately the feedee’s body and choice. No sneaking extra calories into food, no sulking if they hit pause. The feedee steers their own health decisions.
Emotional Balance: The fetish is a spice in the relationship, not the main course. There are plenty of non-fetish intimacy and affection moments. The feeder still loves and desires their partner at their current weight; any gain is a fun bonus, not a requirement for attraction.
Reality Check on Health: Both partners stay aware of physical health. They prioritize safety (medical check-ups, avoiding truly dangerous weight goals). The feeder does not encourage harm; if the feedee says “I feel unhealthy,” the feeder listens and adapts.
Shared Control: The couple might even take turns – sometimes focusing on the feeder’s fetish, other times on the feedee’s desires or other aspects of their sex life. No one person’s fetish dictates all sexual activity.

Unhealthy Feederism:

Coercion and Pressure: There’s an undertone (or overtone) of “Eat or I’ll be upset.” The feedee complies out of fear of conflict or losing the relationship. This often involves guilt-tripping (“Just do it for me, you know how happy it makes me”) or even ultimatums. This is a huge red line – any fetish scenario without full, free consent is abusive gentlepathmeadows.com.
Objectification: The feeder stops seeing their partner as a whole person. The partner becomes a means to an end – a fetish object (a belly, an embodiment of weight gain) rather than a loved individual. The feeder might fantasize about them constantly, but fails to show real empathy or interest in their partner’s non-fetish feelings and needs.
All-Consuming Focus: The fetish dominates the relationship. There’s little to no non-fetish intimacy. Emotional connection deteriorates because everything is hyper-sexualized around feeding. Date night becomes an excuse to stuff them; “quality time” always involves food or fetish talk. If sex happens, it must include the fetish scripts – there’s no “vanilla” intimacy anymore.
Emotional Turmoil and Harm: The relationship increasingly revolves around the feeder’s moods and demands. Fights erupt frequently over trivial food issues. The feedee likely feels anxious, inadequate, or physically miserable, and the feeder feels constantly unsatisfied. Both may feel isolated – the feedee because they’re not loved for themselves, the feeder because the fetish isn’t truly filling the void.
Ignoring Health and Consent: Extreme weight goals are pursued regardless of health warnings. The feeder might dismiss the partner’s health concerns (“It’s fine, just a bit more weight”) or even sabotage their attempts to be healthy. This shows a grave disrespect for the partner’s well-being – a far cry from love.

Take an honest look at your relationship against these criteria. If you lean towards the unhealthy side, own that fact without self-pity. It’s critical to see how far things have slid. For instance, if you realize “Wow, I have been basically manipulating them to eat,” let that sink in. Accept that this is harmful (imagine someone doing that to you against your will – it’s not sexy, it’s terrifying). This clarity might sting, but it’s also motivating. You do not want to be the guy or gal in the news whose fetish turned into someone else’s nightmare. And you don’t want a relationship that’s a hollow shell of what it could be.

Now that we’ve drawn the lines, it’s time for action. How do you pull yourself out of the unhealthy pattern? How can you still enjoy your fetish in a balanced way, without it controlling you or harming your partner? The answer: by working on yourself – your thoughts, your emotional regulation, and your habits. Let’s explore the tools that can help.

Taking Back Control: Practical Tools for Change

Breaking a fetish dependency isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely possible with commitment and the right techniques. We’re essentially talking about rewiring your brain and reshaping your behaviors – which is what good therapy or self-work does. Below are evidence-based strategies drawn from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness practices, and relationship counseling principles. These will help you regain control over your emotions, reduce the fetish’s grip on your life, and build a healthier dynamic with your partner.

1. Cognitive Restructuring: Challenge and Change Your Thoughts

Your moods are hugely influenced by your thoughts – the internal monologue running in your head when, say, your partner says “I’m starting a diet” or doesn’t finish their plate. If that monologue is screaming “This is a disaster, they’re betraying me, I’ll never be happy now!”, you’re going to feel terrible and probably act out. Cognitive restructuring is a CBT technique where you identify distorted, unhelpful thoughts and reframe them into more balanced ones.

Start paying attention to the exact thoughts that trigger your intense emotions. Common distortions in this scenario might include:

Catastrophizing: Blowing things way out of proportion. (“If they lose weight, our sex life will be ruined forever. They’ll never be attractive to me again. This is the end of everything!”) This kind of worst-case scenario thinking pours gasoline on your anxiety doctorkolzet.com. Challenge it. Is it really true that a few pounds difference will ruin everything? Recognize this as extreme. Reframe: “Yes, I prefer them heavier, but a few pounds lost isn’t the end of the world. Our connection is deeper than that. We have been intimate at various weights – and we can find ways to enjoy each other, fetish or not.” Focus on facts: your partner’s love for you isn’t measured on a scale.
Personalization and Mind-Reading: Assuming their choices are all about you. (“They’re not eating that second piece of cake because they don’t care about my needs. They know how I feel and they’re deliberately denying me.”) In reality, they might just be full, or health-conscious, or not in the mood – which is their right. Don’t assign malicious intent without evidence. Reframe: “My partner has their own reasons for eating how they do. It’s not an attack on me. They love me in many ways; this is not proof otherwise.”
All-or-Nothing Thinking: Seeing things in black-and-white. (“Either they gain weight like I want, or this relationship is a bust. I can’t be happy if they aren’t actively gaining.”) Life and people exist in the gray areas. Reframe: “It’s not all or nothing. We can find a middle ground. Some days will involve my fetish, some won’t, and I can still be content in the relationship. There are many aspects to our love, not just this one.”
Entitlement/Control Beliefs: (“I need them to do this. They should do this for me because I deserve to have my fetish fulfilled.”) Check this thinking. Do you believe your desires automatically trump your partner’s comfort? A relationship is a two-way street of respect. Reframe: “I would like this, but I don’t have a right to demand it at the expense of my partner’s well-being. Their body, their choice. I wouldn’t want to be pressured that way; I must extend the same courtesy.”

Write down your most frequent negative thoughts and then write a rational response to each. This practice, done repeatedly, rewires your thought patterns. It takes work – those knee-jerk fetish-driven thoughts might pop up automatically at first. But each time, consciously interrupt and correct them. Over time, your brain will start offering more balanced thoughts on its own. Remember, CBT has been successfully used to help people moderate fetish urges and put them in perspective. Therapists have found that by gradually changing thought patterns, clients can “learn to lessen their desires and urges related to their fetish” and find satisfaction in other aspects of life thriveworks.com. You’re essentially teaching your mind that not getting your fetish met is not an emergency or a catastrophe.

2. Urge Management: Ride the Wave Without Reacting

When that familiar urge or frustration swells up – say you see your partner take a small portion and you feel panic or anger rising – you need tools to handle that moment. One approach from addiction psychology is urge surfing. Imagine your craving or anger is like a wave in the ocean. Instead of immediately reacting (diving into the wave or trying to block it), you observe it. Acknowledge: “I’m feeling a strong urge right now to push them to eat. I feel heat in my chest, my thoughts are racing about seeing them bigger.” Notice the sensations and thoughts without acting on them. Focus on your breathing – slow it down. Urges typically peak and then ebb like a wave. If you can endure the peak without impulsively doing something, it will start to recede.

Some tactics to help ride it out:

Deep Breathing or Grounding Techniques: When you feel yourself about to snap or beg them to eat, pause. Take ten slow, deep breaths. Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6-8. This calms your physiological stress response. Alternatively, ground yourself by naming five things you see in the room, four things you can touch, three you can hear, etc. This pulls you out of panicky mind spin.
Delay and Distraction: Commit to a rule that if you’re upset about the fetish not being met, you will wait at least 30 minutes before saying or doing anything about it. In that time, do something else: walk the dog, take a shower, play a quick video game – something to shift your focus. After the delay, you’ll likely find the intensity has dropped and you can approach the situation more calmly (or realize it wasn’t as big a deal).
Channel to Healthier Outlets: If the sexual energy is high and unrequited because your partner isn’t engaging, find another outlet that doesn’t involve pressuring them. Masturbation is one option (perhaps using your imagination or fetish erotica to take the edge off by yourself – better you handle it solo than coerce a partner). Or channel the energy into a workout – physical exercise can transmute sexual frustration into a healthy endorphin rush and clear your head.

These techniques build emotional regulation. Research shows that people who practice self-regulation (like mindfulness and stress management) develop a more secure attachment and handle intimacy better psychologytoday.com psychologytoday.com. By calming yourself, you prevent destructive outbursts and give your rational brain a chance to kick back in.

3. Mindfulness and Self-Awareness: Reconnecting with Reality

Mindfulness isn’t just hippie hype – it’s a powerful tool to break compulsive loops. At its core, mindfulness means developing a non-judgmental awareness of the present moment. How does this help you? It can stop you from living purely in your fetish fantasy or your anxious thoughts, and bring you back to what’s really happening right now with you and your partner.

Practical mindfulness exercises for you:

Daily Check-Ins: Take 5-10 minutes a day to sit quietly and just observe your own body and thoughts. Notice any fetish-related thoughts or anxieties that arise. Instead of getting carried away by them, label them: “thinking,” “worrying about control,” “sexual craving arising.” This labeling, as if you’re an outside observer, lessens their power. You realize “I am not my thoughts; I have thoughts.” This distance gives you choice in how to respond.
Mindful Intimacy: Practice being fully present in simple intimate moments without fetish elements. For example, hug your partner and focus on the feel of their body heat, their breathing, the sense of their arms around you – and nothing else for a minute. Or kiss them slowly and pay attention to every sensation of the kiss rather than letting your mind race to fetish scripts. This retrains you to find pleasure in the here-and-now connection, not only in the elaborate fetish scenario in your head.
Gratitude Meditation: It might sound cliché, but intentionally reflecting on what you appreciate about your partner beyond the fetish can shift your mindset. Each day, note down or think of 3 things you love about them (non-physical if possible, or if physical, not weight-related). Maybe it’s their laugh, their creativity, their kindness to you. By doing this, you reorient your perspective to value your partner as a whole person, which naturally diminishes the tunnel vision on their body size.

The goal is to train your brain to return to the present moment instead of spiraling. When you are present, you can make conscious choices aligned with your values (like respecting your partner) rather than being yanked around by fetish autopilot. Mindfulness also helps reduce the intensity of cravings and negative emotions by, paradoxically, accepting they are there. “Yes, I really wish they’d eat that cake. Oh well, that feeling is there. It’s just a feeling. It will pass.” This attitude, taught in mindfulness-based therapies, has been shown to help people with various compulsions from binge-eating to substance urges.

4. Open Communication (The Right Way)

You might be thinking, okay, I’m working on myself, but what about my partner in all this? Indeed, a crucial piece is talking openly with your partner – but in a radically different way than before. Up till now, your “talks” might have been fights or tense exchanges about the fetish (“Why won’t you do this for me?” “You don’t care about what I want!”). That’s not healthy communication; that’s a pressure campaign. It’s time to change the script.

A healthier approach:

Own your issue: Sit down with your partner at a calm time (not in the heat of an argument or fetish moment) and take accountability. For example: “I want to talk about something I’ve been struggling with. I realize that I’ve been letting my fetish control my moods and I’ve been putting unfair pressure on you. That’s not okay, and I’m sorry.” This kind of admission can be disarming to your partner – in a good way. It shows you’re not here to blame them, but to work on a problem together.
Explain your feelings (without blaming): You can share that this is difficult for you emotionally – not to guilt them, but to let them understand where you’re at. “When I see you not eating much, part of me gets really scared and upset. I’m working on those feelings, and I want you to know it’s not your fault. This is something messed up in how I’m wired right now, and I’m trying to fix it.” By separating your feelings from their actions, you make it clear you’re taking responsibility for managing those feelings.
Invite their perspective: After owning up, listen. Ask them genuinely: “How do you feel about the fetish and how I’ve been behaving? I really want to know, and I promise to listen without getting defensive.” Your partner may have a lot of pent-up hurt or frustration. They might say they’ve felt pressured, or that they’re scared you only love them for their body. It might be painful to hear. But this is the price of rebuilding trust – let them speak their truth. Do not interrupt except to acknowledge (“I hear you – you’re saying it makes you feel objectified, and that’s my fault. I’m sorry.”) This conversation can be the beginning of a healing process, where for the first time in a while, you’re on the same team facing the problem (the problem being the fetish’s control), instead of at odds.
Find compromises together: Once both sides are heard, you can discuss ways to move forward. This might include setting some mutual boundaries: e.g., you agree not to push or comment on their food, and they agree to perhaps indulge the fetish in a low-stakes way occasionally (if they are comfortable – e.g., maybe once a week they wear a sexy outfit that accentuates their curves, or you have a playful feeding foreplay once a month). Or maybe they aren’t okay with engaging at all for now, and the compromise is simply focusing on other aspects of intimacy while you work on yourself. Accept whatever level of compromise they are truly comfortable with – enthusiastic consent or nothing. Remember, no one owes you participation in a fetish. But if they love you, they likely want to help you through this if you’re sincerely trying and if the pressure is off.

Good communication is a strong predictor of relationship satisfaction psychologytoday.com. By communicating now with honesty and empathy, you’re laying groundwork to restore safety and affection. It shows your partner you value them above the fetish. It will also ease your anxiety, because you’re no longer stuck in your head guessing what they feel – you’ll know. Often, anxious individuals are calmed by honest reassurance. Hearing “I love you, but I need you to love me, not just my body” from them, even if it’s a tough message, at least lets you know the relationship can survive if you change course.

5. Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes these issues run deep. You might uncover that your fetish dependency ties into childhood issues, trauma, or other mental health challenges. Or you might simply find it too hard to implement these changes on your own. That’s completely okay. Consider reaching out to a sex-positive therapist or a couples counselor familiar with fetishes. Therapy is not there to “eradicate your fetish” (in fact, trying to eliminate a fetish entirely is usually futile and unethical, akin to conversion therapy psychologytoday.com). Instead, a therapist can help you understand the roots of your fetish and why it’s become compulsive, and then help you develop healthier coping strategies and sexual expressions.

Sex therapists are trained to be non-judgmental and have heard it all. They can work with you on techniques like we described, and provide a safe space to discuss fantasies and fears. In therapy, you might explore whether your fetish became a source of stress relief in times of anxiety thriveworks.com, or how it links to your identity and self-esteem. A good therapist will also screen for any co-occurring issues – many people with out-of-control sexual behavior have underlying mood disorders or anxiety disorders that need attention thriveworks.com. Treating those (sometimes with therapy or medication) can indirectly help rebalance your sexual compulsions.

If you involve your partner in some sessions, a therapist can facilitate those hard conversations and teach you both better communication around this sensitive topic. There’s evidence that CBT combined with mindfulness techniques in a therapy setting can greatly reduce fetish-driven compulsions thriveworks.com. Even medication in some cases (like SSRIs) has been used to dampen obsessive sexual urges thriveworks.com, but that’s a route for a psychiatrist to consider if appropriate. The point is, you don’t have to do this alone. Professional help is out there, and choosing to use it is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Hard Questions Every Feeder Should Ask Themselves

As you work on change, it’s important to keep brutally honest with yourself. Here are some tough questions to reflect on. Write out your answers, or discuss them in therapy, or at least really sit with them in your mind. They’re meant to jolt you into seeing the bigger picture:

What am I afraid of if my partner doesn’t gain weight? Be specific. Is it that they’ll become unattractive to you? That you won’t want sex without the fetish stimuli? That they might feel more confident and leave you? That you’ll lose this unique thrill in your life and feel empty? Understanding your core fear (rejection, inadequacy, loss of control) is key to addressing it.
Am I prioritizing my fetish over my partner’s well-being and happiness? If you’re honest, have you been willing to risk your partner’s physical or mental health to satisfy your desires? (For example, encouraging overeating you know is harming them, or ignoring their discomfort.) If the answer is yes, acknowledge how serious that is. Love should never ask someone to “sacrifice their health or comfort” for another’s pleasure globalcomment.com. Are you prepared to put your partner’s basic well-being first again?
Would I stay in this relationship if the fetish activities had to stop completely? Imagine your partner developed a medical condition tomorrow that forbade any weight gain or over-eating. Would you still feel enough love, attraction, and commitment to stay? This is a scary question, but it gauges how much your partner means to you beyond the fetish. If your gut answer is “I’m not sure” or “probably not,” you need to seriously evaluate your priorities and what love means to you. If the answer is “yes, I would stay because I do love them,” then prove it by adjusting your behavior now.
How would I feel if the roles were reversed? Visualize yourself in your partner’s shoes – they have a fetish that requires you to, say, drastically change your body or constantly do something that makes you uncomfortable. They get moody and angry when you don’t comply. How would that make you feel? Likely trapped, objectified, not good enough. Empathy check: your partner is a human with feelings just like you. Are you treating them the way you would want to be treated in a relationship?
What has this fetish dependency cost me so far – and what will it cost if I don’t change? Think about the fights, the nights of cold silence, the missed opportunities for genuine intimacy. Perhaps your partner has pulled back emotionally or you’ve missed out on other bonding because fetish drama took center stage. Maybe you’re ashamed to talk to friends or isolated because of it. Project into the future: if nothing changes, could this relationship even survive? And even if it did, what kind of shape would it be in? Sometimes looking at the potential endgame (e.g., divorce, or your partner developing serious health issues, or you living in constant anxiety) can shock you into committing to change. Remember that expert in sexual addiction who observed that people in compulsive sexual cycles end up “stricken, compulsive, frightened, angry, unsatisfied”, living with shame, pain, and isolation gentlepathmeadows.com. Is that who you want to be? Because that is where unchecked fetish addiction leads.
Who am I outside of this fetish? It’s time to reclaim the parts of you that have nothing to do with feederism. List qualities, roles, and passions you have. Are you a creative person, a friend, a professional, a hobbyist? Do you enjoy music, sports, art, travel? Have those things taken a backseat? Your fetish may have become too large a part of your identity. Consider how you can nurture your non-sexual self again. This will not only make you a more fulfilled person, it will take pressure off your relationship as your whole life no longer hinges on fetish satisfaction.

These questions might lead you to uncomfortable realizations, or even the conclusion that you need to make big changes (in extreme cases, some may realize the relationship itself was built too heavily on the fetish and needs reevaluation – but for most, it means the relationship can be saved with effort). The aim is to spark deep introspection so you stop running on autopilot.

Rebuilding Your Relationship and Identity (Without Losing Your Fetish)

Finally, let’s talk about moving forward in a positive way. You might wonder, “Do I have to give up my fetish forever to fix this?” The answer is no – you don’t have to erase who you are sexually. Fetishes, like any kinks, are often lifelong attractions. The goal here is not to make you ashamed of being a feeder or to demand you become vanilla. The goal is to integrate your fetish into your life in a healthy, balanced, and consensual manner – one that doesn’t dominate your relationship or psyche.

Think of it this way: Your fetish is a piece of the pie that is your identity and your relationship. It’s allowed to be a slice of the pie – maybe one that you and your partner enjoy on occasion. But it can’t be the whole pie. You are so much more than just a “feeder.” Rediscover those other parts of yourself. And your relationship is more than just a vessel for feederism – rekindle those other connections with your partner.

Actionable steps for rebuilding:

Diversify your intimacy: Explore other avenues of intimacy with your partner that have nothing to do with food or weight. Maybe take up a new activity together (a dance class, a hiking club, whatever floats your boat) to bond in a different way. Rediscover simple romantic pleasures – a massage, taking a bath together, making out like teenagers – with zero pressure to go into the fetish realm. This reminds both of you that you have a foundation of love and attraction outside of feederism.
Celebrate your partner’s whole self: Make a habit of complimenting and appreciating things about your partner unrelated to their body size. Tell them you love their laugh, or their skill at their job, or how kind they were to you last week. Show that you see the person, not just the body. This will help them feel valued and help you reinforce in your own mind that your partner is multifaceted (thus, worth loving even if their body changes).
Moderate fetish play with consent: Once you’ve stabilized things and your partner is on board, you might slowly reintroduce some light feederism play in a controlled, consensual way – if and only if your partner is truly okay with it. Always get explicit consent each time: “Hey, would you be up for a little feeding game tonight?” If they say no, respect it with grace (“No problem at all!”) – and genuinely mean it. If they say yes, perhaps set limits together (e.g., a small amount of indulgence, not eating to the point of discomfort). By treating the fetish as a privilege you engage in together rather than a given, you keep it in its proper place. Ironically, this will make the times you do indulge even more special and satisfying, because it’s done in love and trust, not tension.
Continue personal growth: Keep up whatever practices you’ve adopted – be it journaling your thoughts, attending therapy, or mindfulness meditation. Personal growth is an ongoing journey, not a one-time fix. You might even find as you become more secure in yourself and your relationship, the fetish loses some of its urgent quality. You might still enjoy it, but you no longer need it like a drug. That is freedom – you can take it or leave it on any given day.

Separating your self-worth from the fetish is crucial. You might have internalized the idea that because your fetish is unusual, you’re lucky to have a partner who entertains it at all, and so you latched on too hard. Recognize that you are worthy of love even without your fetish. Likewise, your partner’s love for you isn’t solely because you bring this fetish to the table – they fell for you, the whole person. As one treatment expert put it, when sex or fetish is used like a medication, it leads to “degradation of self” and others gentlepathmeadows.com – people lose sight of their own inherent worth beyond the sexual behavior. Don’t let that be your story. You deserve a love that uplifts all parts of you, not just the fetish, and your partner deserves to be loved in all their wholeness too.

A Final Word

This journey won’t be without slip-ups. There may be times you catch yourself pouting that your partner didn’t finish their burger, or you feel that familiar pang of disappointment. But the fact that you’ve read this far shows a spark of determination and hope. Fan that spark. Change is possible. You can transform from someone ruled by a fetish into someone who rules over it – where it becomes a balanced, consensual spice in your life rather than the main dish.

Remember why you’re doing this: for your partner’s well-being, for the relationship’s survival, and for your own mental health and growth. Keep that motivation front and center. It might help to envision a future scenario: maybe it’s a year from now, and you’re sitting with your partner having dinner. There’s no tension in the air. If they only eat half their meal, you smile and ask about their day, not even thinking about the leftovers. Later that night, you two cuddle and perhaps have amazing sex – maybe involving a little feeding play, maybe not, but either way it’s intimate and loving. You feel happy and secure, because you know your partner is with you by choice, not because you’ve emotionally trapped them. And you feel at peace in yourself, because you’re no longer a slave to an impulse; you’re a person who chooses how to act.

That future is attainable. By understanding the psychology behind your dependency, practicing the tools to manage it, and reconnecting with your partner on a human level, you are effectively separating the fetish from your self-worth. You’re saying: I am more than this kink, and my relationship is more than this fantasy. Paradoxically, when you adopt that mindset, the fetish often becomes even more enjoyable on the occasions you do indulge – because it’s now a guilt-free choice, not a desperate compulsion.

In summary, take responsibility, practice self-control and empathy, and don’t be afraid to seek help. Your fetish may always be a part of you, but it does not have to control you or define the fate of your relationship. As you regain balance, you’ll likely find your overall happiness and sexual satisfaction increase, not decrease. There’s nothing sexier than a kink that’s kept in its rightful place: exciting, but never more important than mutual respect and love.

You’ve got this. It’s time to step off the rollercoaster and start walking on solid ground with your partner – hand in hand, one supportive step at a time. Your relationship, and indeed your life, is so much richer than any one fetish. Embrace that reality, and you’ll truly begin to “enjoy every pound” – not because you need it, but because you choose to, together, in a healthy way.

Sources:

Lembke, A. (2022). Dopamine Nation. (as cited in NPR’s Life Kit: Overstimulation leads to “dopamine deficit state” with anxiety, irritability npr.org npr.org)
Obreja, L.-D. (2020). Feederism as coercive control. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 22(11), 1207-1221. (Weight surveillance in feederism threatens autonomypubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)
AttachmentProject. (2021). How Your Attachment Style Influences Your Sex Life. (Anxious attachment can cause emotional instability, jealousy and anger in relationships attachmentproject.com; anxious individuals use sex to seek approval and reassurance attachmentproject.com)
First Step Men’s Therapy. (2023). Is my sexual fetish healthy or addictive? (A fetish that interferes with daily life or relationships may be problematic firststepmenstherapy.com firststepmenstherapy.com. Self-reflection questions for fetish intensity.)
Gentle Path at The Meadows. (2022). When Is My Fetish Unhealthy? (Fetish is unhealthy when it involves non-consent, harm, or gets out of control gentlepathmeadows.com. Out-of-control sexual behavior leads to shame and unsatisfied compulsion gentlepathmeadows.com.)
GlobalComment. (2010). Donna Simpson: Feederism is abuse. (Feeders often use threats or force-feeding, creating a toxic power dynamic globalcomment.com globalcomment.com.)
Thriveworks. (2020). Fetishistic Disorder: Causes, Symptoms, Treatment. (CBT can help fetishists moderate their urges and remain aware of other life aspects thriveworks.com. Sex therapy provides coping strategies like mindfulness thriveworks.com.)
Psychology Today. (2016). No, You Cannot Eradicate a Fetish. (Fetishes shouldn’t be “eliminated” but understood; fetish alone can’t substitute for the rewards of mutual intimacy psychologytoday.com.)
Kolzet, J. (2024). Unveiling the Cognitive Distortions Behind Jealousy. (Catastrophic thinking fuels insecurity, and reframing thoughts is essential for a healthier perspective doctorkolzet.com.)