The Psychology of the Feedee: Why Some Women Desire to Gain Weight

Feederism is a fetish subculture in which food and fat become erotic. In this kink, a “feeder” derives sexual gratification from feeding a partner and encouraging weight gain, while a “feedee” (or gainer) becomes aroused by being fed, eating, and the act or idea of growing fatter pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Many feedees are women who live this desire in real life – not just as fantasy, but through actual body transformation. On the surface it might seem straightforward (she enjoys eating and getting bigger), but the emotional currents underneath are far more complex. Why would someone crave to be deliberately fattened or physically controlled? The answers lie in a tangle of psychology – conscious and unconscious – involving submission, validation, trauma, identity, and more. This article dives deep into the psyche of real female feedees, peeling back the layers of why they yearn for the feedee experience. We’ll explore how sexual submissiveness, emotional needs, past wounds, and even rebellion against society’s norms can all intersect in the mind of a feedee. Along the way, we include candid insights (anonymized from different popular forums such as faebie and reddit) from women who have lived this fetish, as well as perspectives from psychological experts. The goal is to go beyond clichés (“she just likes food” or “she’s just insecure”) toward a more brutally honest and empathetic understanding of what drives this kink.

Understanding Feederism: Psychology of Erotic Weight Gain

Explore feederism, a sexual fetish involving feeding and weight gain. Learn about its neuroscience, psychological roots, health risks, and personal dynamics.

Feederism.orgClair Horwell

Submission, Validation, and Body Transformation

One of the core dynamics in feederism is power exchange. The feeder-feedee relationship often mirrors a dominant/submissive pairing, much like a branch of BDSM vice.com. The feeder typically takes an authoritative role – instructing, providing food, setting targets – while the feedee yields control over her body. This power exchange is not incidental; for many feedees it is central to the turn-on. Being fed can feel like being dominated erotically, with the feeder’s control extending literally to the flesh on her bones. Researchers have even speculated that female feederism might be best understood as a thematic variant of sexual masochism pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov – essentially, deriving pleasure from being acted upon (even to the point of discomfort). Indeed, some feedees relish the physical over-fullness and even pain of extreme eating as a form of masochistic thrill. “Several studies suggest feedism is a subcategory of BDSM,” noted one online discussion, where enjoyment comes from “the pain of being overly stuffed with food” (as one feedee described) – though not every feedee emphasizes this aspect.

At the same time, the feedee’s submission is often intertwined with a craving for validation and care. Many feedees describe an intense satisfaction in knowing that their partner wants them to eat and grow. In a world that tells women to shrink themselves, the feeder’s encouragement to “have another slice” or “you’d look even sexier with 20 more pounds” can feel deeply affirming. One woman explained that the best part of being a feedee was feeling like “my feeder actually cares about me and makes sure I never go hungry” – a perverse but powerful form of feeling loved and wanted. By surrendering control and letting someone else nurture her with food, a feedee may feel cherished on a primitive level. The act of feeding becomes an intimate language of love and approval. In therapeutic terms, food is an attachment medium – it signals comfort, safety, and bonding (much like a caregiver feeding a child). Feedees often tap into those feelings. The kink can offer a space to explore being utterly taken care of: “Feederism can be deeply tied to emotions of care and nurture,” as one sex therapist notes progressivetherapeutic.com.au. In the controlled setting of consensual play, a woman might regress to a childlike state of being pampered and worry-free, indulging in “forbidden” food with someone doting on her. In a psychoanalytic view, feederism is indeed a form of regression – the feedee takes comfort in the nurturing aspect reminiscent of childhood feeding enotalone.com.

Crucially, the feedee’s body transformation – the visible, tangible proof of submission – is itself part of the psychological draw. As she gains weight, she may feel “owned” or marked by her partner’s influence, which for a submissive-minded person can be intensely erotic. Every new curve or stretch mark is a reminder of her feeder’s control and attention. One feedee described how she loves being ritualistically measured and weighed, her growth tracked like a project. “I love being teased about how fat I am and how fat I will become — being measured, weighed, made to wear clothes that are too tight so as I eat, the buttons pop,” confessed one woman about her fetish vice.com. That teasing and incremental growth feed a cycle of both humiliation and validation: she is embarrassed, yes, but also aroused that someone is paying attention to her body’s every inch. This duality – degradation as affirmation – is a hallmark of many feedee experiences. Consciously, she might enjoy the naughty taboo of being called a “pig” or “glutton”; unconsciously, hearing those words from a lover might paradoxically reassure her that he still finds her desirable (even as she violates conventional beauty norms).

In sum, the feedee fetish often weaves together threads of sexual submissiveness and personal validation. By relinquishing autonomy over eating, the feedee is saying, “I trust you to take control.” That act of trust and submission can be deeply fulfilling in its own right. And when the feeder responds by reveling in her growing body, she feels uniquely seen and appreciated – a validation that goes beyond what vanilla relationships offer. The erotic charge comes not only from the physical sensations of fullness or the caloric rush, but from the psychological sensation of “I am completely yours – and you love what you’ve made me become.”

Deep-Rooted Factors: Trauma, Low Self-Esteem, and Attachment

Sexual kinks do not develop in a vacuum. For some women, the desire to be fattened and dominated has roots in earlier traumas or psychological wounds. While every feedee’s story is unique, therapists who work with kink often see common threads like childhood abuse, unstable self-esteem, or disordered eating history playing a role in feedee psychology. These factors can shape what a woman seeks (or avoids) in the feedee lifestyle:

• Past Trauma or Abuse: Survivors of sexual or emotional abuse sometimes unconsciously turn to weight gain as a coping mechanism. Gaining weight can serve as “padding” against a dangerous world – an attempt to feel less vulnerable. Research has found that many victims of childhood sexual abuse willfully put on weight to desexualize themselves, hoping to ward off further abuse theatlantic.com. In a fetish context, this protective impulse can become sexualized. A feedee may have initially gained weight for safety, but later finds being overweight and continuously fed to be comforting or arousing – blending trauma response with sexual desire. One feedee confided that she had “suffered so much abuse and mistreatment prior” to discovering feederism, and she saw becoming a feedee as a way to guarantee the next chapter of her life would be different medium.com. In her case, she essentially surrendered to her partner’s feeder fetish out of fear and hope – hoping that by pleasing him and becoming what he wanted, she would finally be safe from abandonment or harm. Such trauma-driven motivations can make the feedee dynamic especially intense= – she’s not only playing with submission, but trying to heal (or hide) old wounds through an extreme form of intimacy.
• Low Self-Esteem and Body Image: It’s no surprise that many feedees have wrestled with feelings of inadequacy or negative body image. A woman with low self-esteem might find feederism appealing because it seems to offer unconditional acceptance. If she has always felt “too fat” or “not good enough,” meeting a partner who literally wants her to be fatter can feel like a revelation. The feedee role can become a way of saying, “Fine, I’ll be the fat girl – and someone will still love me.” Psychologists note that stigma around kink can lead to self-pathologizing – people think they’re “sick” for their fetish psychologytoday.com – but for a feedee with low self-worth, the fetish might initially seem like the cure for her self-esteem: a relationship where her biggest insecurity (her weight) is transformed into the object of desire. However, this can be a double-edged sword. Some feedees use the fetish to mask self-hatred instead of addressing it. One 18-year-old feedee described a cycle of arousal followed by intense shame: she would fantasize about “gorging myself sick and the growth of my every limb,” bringing herself to climax on these thoughts rageagainsttheminivan.com. But once the high wore off, she was disgusted with herself – “I wanted to throw up my guts and rid myself of the evil thoughts… I can’t throw up, so my old self-harm habits creep back and I punish myself by slicing open my skin” rageagainsttheminivan.com. In her case, an underlying depression and self-loathing turned the fetish into a vicious cycle of gratification and guilt, rather than a purely pleasurable indulgence. Red flag: If a feedee feels worthless outside of the fetish, or if the play leaves her feeling ashamed, it’s a sign that deeper self-esteem issues are at play and being temporarily papered over by the kink.
• Attachment and Need for Nurture: Some psychologists interpret feederism through the lens of attachment theory – the idea that early caregiver relationships shape our adult intimacy patterns. A feedee might have an anxious attachment style, craving constant reassurance of love. Being fed and coddled can simulate the total attention of a caregiver, fulfilling a deep-seated need to be comforted. If someone experienced emotional neglect, for instance, the idea of a partner doting on them with food can be incredibly appealing. It’s a return to the proverbial mother’s breast – abundant, loving, and safe. In more extreme cases, feederism can verge on “infantilization” play: the feedee regresses to a baby-like role, fully dependent on the feeder’s provision. This is not to imply feedees literally think of parents during sex, but the psychological echoes of early life are strong. One analysis noted feederism’s nurturing aspect is “reminiscent of childhood feeding” enotalone.com, and indeed some feedees explicitly enjoy being called a “good girl” for finishing their food, or being cleaned and cared for when they’re too full – touches that clearly invoke a parent/child dynamic. Attachment-driven feedees might also fear their feeder will abandon them; gaining more weight (and thus increasing dependency) can be an unconscious strategy to “bind” the partner closer. Sadly, this can lead to an unhealthy codependency where the feedee feels she literally cannot live without the feeder’s approval (a dynamic some feeders may exploit).
• Disordered Eating History: A number of feedees have a personal history of eating disorders or weight fluctuations. Interestingly, some come to feederism after periods of strict dieting or even anorexia. There are reported cases of women who were once anorexic or bulimic later swinging to the opposite extreme with feederism. In one online forum, a young woman asked if her feederism fetish might have been “caused by my distressing anorexia recovery” – she had been anorexic as a child and found that once she started eating again, it morphed into an unexpected sexual fascination with overeating. From a psychological standpoint, this isn’t entirely surprising. Restriction and binging are two sides of the same coin. Someone who has experienced the intense control of starvation might fetishize the loss of control in overeating. Feederism can serve as a form of rebellion against the tyranny of an eating disorder (more on rebellion below), or even a way to rationalize one’s binge urges by wrapping them in a sexual context. On the flip side, not all feedees have had clinical eating disorders, but many have long-standing complicated relationships with food. They might describe themselves as emotional eaters, or having felt guilt around food until they found the feederism community which “gave permission” to indulge. It’s important to note that turning a past eating disorder into a fetish doesn’t resolve the underlying issue – it just sexualizes it. A feedee who never truly healed her disordered eating may be at risk of serious health consequences if she uses the fetish as an excuse to avoid balanced eating entirely.

In short, factors like trauma, low self-esteem, attachment needs, and eating history can all set the stage for feederism to take root. These influences often operate unconsciously. A woman might say, “I just like it, I don’t know why,” while the psychologist in the room quietly notes the correlation with her abusive past or lifelong body shame. Understanding these drivers isn’t meant to “disqualify” the fetish – rather, it helps separate when feedism is a healthy exploration versus a harmful coping mechanism. As we’ll discuss later, a key distinction is whether the feedee is primarily seeking joy and fulfillment from the kink, or trying to fill a painful void or reenact trauma. The former can lead to positive experiences; the latter often leads to deeper hurt.

Rebellion, Safety, Self-Erasure, or Control: Meanings Behind Gaining Weight

Beyond personal history, gaining a massive amount of weight carries symbolic meanings in itself. Feedees often ascribe various psychological meanings to the act of growing fatter – sometimes consciously, sometimes not. Four common (and sometimes contradictory) themes emerge: rebellion, safety, self-erasure, and control. A single person might even experience all four at different times. Let’s unpack each:

• Rebellion: Deliberate weight gain can feel like a big “screw you” to societal norms. For women especially, society’s message is that thin = good, disciplined, beautiful. By reveling in being fat, a feedee is flouting those norms. This sense of taboo-breaking can be exciting. Some feedees describe a rush from knowingly defying what is expected of a “good girl.” One feedee wrote that an important aspect of her fetish was “the societal push-back – the rebellious feeling we get from denying norms.” Gaining weight on purpose, in spite of fat-shaming culture, becomes an act of personal sovereignty. In fact, feederism has been called a transgressive sexual behavior in that it transgresses mainstream beauty standards – but as one sociologist wryly noted, even when it’s transgressive, it often still mimics patriarchal sex dynamics researchgate.net. In other words, rebellion in feederism is complicated: a woman might rebel against social norms by getting fat, yet remain within a relationship norm of male dominance (if her feeder is a controlling man). Nonetheless, many feedees do experience genuine empowerment by rejecting diet culture. “I didn’t have to limit myself to partners who were just-okay with my body,” recalls one fat woman who embraced the fetish community; she found it liberating that there are people who prefer fatness everydayfeminism.com everydayfeminism.com. For her, allowing herself to indulge and grow felt like stepping out of a cage. Thus, the act of gaining can serve as rebellion-as-empowerment, claiming the right to enjoy one’s body on one’s own terms, not society’s.
• Safety and Protection: On the flip side, some women use weight gain as a shield. Consciously, a feedee might say she loves getting softer and bigger; unconsciously, that softness is creating distance from threats. We’ve touched on how sexual trauma survivors may become obese to feel invisible to predators theatlantic.com. Even without explicit trauma, a woman might have learned early that attention brings danger or pressure. Gaining weight can feel like “armoring” herself – each extra pound adds a layer between her and the world. Within feederism, this protective impulse can paradoxically coexist with inviting attention (from the feeder). The key is that it’s controlled attention. With her feeder or within the fetish community, she’s safe to be sexual; outside, her fatness fends off unwanted advances (at least in theory). Some feedees describe feeling secure in their size. As one gainer put it, “I enjoy taking up space. There’s a safety in being big – I feel solid, unmovable.” This psychological safety also ties to being cared for: if she becomes very large, she might need her partner more (to help with tasks, etc.), which in her mind guarantees he won’t leave. In extreme cases, feedees have pursued immobility as the ultimate security – ensuring total dependence on their feeder. (As we’ll discuss, this often backfires, sliding into abuse.) Still, the motif of “bigger = safer” is present in many feedee narratives, even if it’s a false sense of safety that trades physical health for emotional comfort.
• Self-Erasure (Invisibility): Related to safety, some feedees use fat as a form of erasing oneself. This might sound counterintuitive – how is becoming larger making one invisible? Socially, fat people (especially fat women) are often dehumanized or overlooked except as objects of ridicule. A woman who has been through severe trauma or who harbors deep shame might welcome this kind of invisibility. By making herself grotesquely huge, she removes certain expectations: no one (besides a fetishist) is asking her to be the perfect pretty girl, the straight-A student, etc. It’s a way of opting out of the normal pressures of womanhood. Psychologist Robert Muller notes that kinky people sometimes wrongly pathologize themselves due to society’s judgment psychologytoday.com; in feederism, a feedee might pathologize herself intentionally – turning into the “freak” (in society’s eyes) that she already feels like inside. This self-erasure can also be literal: extreme feedees talk about losing mobility, eventually being bedridden and utterly passive. For some, this is the endpoint of a fantasy of total release from responsibility – a permanent retreat from the world’s demands, where they exist only to be fed and experience pleasure. It’s essentially an escape fantasy (albeit a dangerous one). One former feedee, reflecting on her younger self, said, “I see a girl who had already suffered so much pain… and was doing everything in her power to ensure her next chapter was finally a happy one” medium.com. Tragically, her method was to erase the girl she had been: she allowed a feeder to consume her identity, making her “the fat wife” as an attempt at happiness. Self-erasure is a double-edged sword – it can bring short-term relief from identity struggle, but it also can deepen the loss of self (as she later realized, escaping into a fetish didn’t heal her underlying hurt).
• Control (or Surrender of Control): Control is a recurring theme in feederism, and it cuts both ways for feedees. On one hand, becoming a feedee is an act of surrendering control – she hands the reins to her feeder regarding her diet, her size, even aspects of daily life. But importantly, this surrender is consensual (in healthy cases) and thus a form of asserting control over her own fate. Many feedees emphasize that they ultimately choose to be in this role. A well-known gainer model, after a sensationalist TV documentary implied her boyfriend controlled her weight, clarified, “The truth is that no one tells me what to do.” She insisted that she alone decided how much to eat or gain everydayfeminism.com. Likewise, writer Marie Southard Ospina points out that plenty of women in feederism “reign over their own sexualities – no male puppeteer required” everydayfeminism.com. This perspective sees the feedee fetish as a chosen path. For some women, it’s the first time they felt in charge of their body – ironically by allowing it to grow out of control. It’s a paradox: control through relinquishing control. By deciding to embrace this unconventional lifestyle, the feedee asserts autonomy over her life (defying societal control), even as she enjoys submission in the moment-to-moment feeding.

On the other hand, control can take a darker turn if the dynamics slip into coercion. Some feeders (often men) do become extremely controlling – dictating every calorie, forbidding the feedee from losing weight, sometimes isolating them from friends/family. In such cases, the feedee’s initial control (choosing the kink) can be overshadowed by the feeder’s dominating personality. It can devolve into outright abuse, where the woman is no longer consenting freely but feels trapped. One feedee, Donna S., who famously attempted to reach 1,000 lbs with her feeder fiancé’s encouragement, later revealed how toxic it became. “All he could see was my belly, my figure – not that I had a brain or that I should be doing other things,” she recalled, noting that he pushed her to keep eating even when real life responsibilities suffered vice.com. He fetishized her to the point of pure objectification. “You can’t want someone to be immobile but then get mad when they can’t walk in the park with you,” she said of his impossible expectations vice.com. She eventually recognized “it becomes a form of abuse when it’s that extreme” vice.com. In such scenarios, the control motif flips: the feeder seeks total control over the feedee’s body and freedom, and the feedee may lose the ability (or confidence) to assert herself.

In summary, weight gain in feederism carries multiple psychological meanings. It can be a rebellious act of empowerment, a safety blanket, a form of self-disappearance, or a dance of control vs. surrender. Often, these meanings overlap – for example, a feedee might start out viewing her gain as rebellion, but later realize she was seeking safety from past trauma. It’s this richness of meaning that makes the feedee experience so psychologically charged. Gaining 50 or 200 pounds is never just a physical journey; it’s an emotional one that can symbolize liberation to one person and destruction to another (or both to the same person at different times). Understanding what the weight means to the feedee is key to understanding her psyche.

Objectification, Identity, and Femininity

“Am I anything more than an object to you?” – this haunting question lurks in many feedee relationships. The fetish by its nature involves a strong element of objectification. The feedee’s body is the focal point of desire – often reduced to measurements, softness, and sheer mass. Some women in the community internalize and even eroticize this objectification; others struggle with it, feeling torn between fetish fantasy and personal dignity.

For many feedees, being objectified (to a degree) is actually part of the turn-on. They might roleplay being a “lazy cow” or “human pig”, reveling in dirty talk that focuses entirely on their bellies, rolls, and appetite. This can be a way of letting go of ego and embracing a submissive identity fully. One feedee shared that she loves being degraded playfully about her size: it reinforces her sense of being under her feeder’s dominance and feeds her arousal vice.com. In these moments, she is less a person with responsibilities or complexities and more a living sex object – and that’s exactly how she wants it in the bedroom. The key distinction is consent and context. Within a consensual scene, being treated like an object (tied up and funnel-fed, or belittled and praised solely for getting fatter) can be a consensual erotic humiliation that the feedee finds thrilling. It scratches an itch for total submission – a feeling of “I exist only for your pleasure”. The feedee may also take pride in her “object” status in a fetish sense: for instance, becoming a popular gainer model whose photos are admired online can feel validating in a twisted way (internalized objectification as self-esteem boost). She’s sought after because of her fat, not in spite of it.

However, this embrace of objectification can conflict with the feedee’s outside life and self-image. Many women report a dichotomy between their fetish persona and their everyday identity. Outside of kink, they want to be respected as whole people – professionals, mothers, friends, women with agency. The fetish’s focus on their bodies can clash with their feminist ideals or simply their need to be loved for their minds and hearts too. Donna S.’s story is a cautionary tale: she realized her feeder partner saw her only as a fetish object (her belly) and not as an equal partner or intelligent individual vice.com. That realization was painful and ultimately led her to leave the relationship. “I guess you could say the same about the other side… when women look like Vogue models and men only see you for your body like that,” she noted vice.com, recognizing that whether fat or thin, being seen “only for your body” is dehumanizing. For a feedee, the very thing that turns her on in the moment (being treated like a dumb, hungry pet) can also eat away at her self-worth if it bleeds into the entire relationship.

Internal conflict can arise: a feedee may want to be objectified during sex, yet later feel shame or resentment if she feels that’s all she is to her partner. This is why communication and aftercare are important in any BDSM-like scenario. Kink-friendly therapists emphasize that couples should balance fetish play with affirmations of personhood. In healthy feedee relationships, feeders often reassure their partners that they love them as a whole, not just their fat. As one kink-aware writer put it, the fetish is simply one aspect of sexuality, not the totality of the person everydayfeminism.com everydayfeminism.com. In practice, many couples have boundaries: e.g., feeder and feedee might enjoy name-calling (pig, cow, etc.) during a session, but the feeder will switch back to affectionate respect afterward. When those boundaries blur, problems start.

Feedees also grapple with what their fetish means for their femininity and body autonomy. Culturally, women are often objectified and controlled – and feminist critique of feederism argues that this kink amplifies that to an extreme. Sociological studies have noted that feederism, especially in its heterosexual form, can look like a caricature of patriarchal gender roles: the dominant male actively shaping (even engorging) the passive female body cep13dhgroup1.blogs.lincoln.ac.ukresearchgate.net. It raises uncomfortable questions: Is the feedee kink reinforcing the idea that women “exist to be consumed” (literally and figuratively)? Are these women seeking out powerlessness because society has told them that’s their place? In one analysis of feederism and media, the female feedee’s willingness to submit to being fattened was seen as playing into “the terrifying misconception that women really do want to be overpowered no matter what” degruyterbrill.com. Indeed, some feedees have a hard time explaining their kink to others without feeling like they’re betraying feminist ideals. They might worry that they are enabling misogyny or that their desire to be controlled is a product of social conditioning rather than genuine preference.

On the other hand, many feedees reclaim a sense of body autonomy through the fetish. “In the world of fat fetishism, women can assume any role they choose,” Ospina writes, noting that women can be feeders or feedees or anything in between everydayfeminism.com. The existence of female feeders (women who feed male or female partners) and mutual gaining couples shows that it’s not a one-way street of male-dom/female-sub. Even as feedees, women often stress that it’s their choice to participate and their limit to set. In healthy scenarios, the feedee holds veto power: she can say no to further gain, set boundaries about what she will eat or how far she’ll go. The body autonomy lies in the consent. As long as she consents to the changes in her body, those changes are an expression of her autonomy. Some feedees feel more connected to their femininity and bodily agency by rejecting society’s control (diet culture) and embracing their own desire (to grow fat). It’s a complex, personal negotiation. One feedee might say, “Being fat and spoiled makes me feel like a goddess, overflowing with feminine abundance,” while another might say, “Sometimes I wonder if I’ve just brainwashed myself into thinking this is love while I give up my power.” Both sentiments can exist in the same person on different days.

Ultimately, navigating objectification and identity is an ongoing process for feedees. Those who find a balance – where being a feedee is part of their identity but not the whole, and where their partner adores them as a person even as he worships their fat – tend to fare best psychologically. Those who end up in one-dimensional roles (nothing but “the pig” to a selfish feeder) often come out feeling hollow or used. As one former feedee wrote after leaving the community, “The feedism community sees you as a traitor if you leave… the rest of society sees you as a fool for ever doing it” medium.com. She felt deeply isolated, because in the fetish she had lost her sense of self, and outside it she lost her sense of acceptance. Her experience underscores the importance of balance: a feedee needs to keep one foot in reality even as she plays in fantasy. She is a human being first, fetish object second. The moment those get reversed for too long, her mental health is likely to suffer.

Between Fulfillment and Harm: Healthy vs. Unhealthy Feederism

The feedee lifestyle runs along a spectrum from mutually fulfilling kink to dangerous psychological ground. It’s vital to distinguish healthy exploration from situations of emotional harm or distress. When is being a feedee a positive, empowering choice – and when is it a red flag for deeper issues? Below are some hallmarks of each, according to therapists and the testimonies of feedees themselves:

• Healthy Feedee Exploration:
  • Consent and Communication: The feedee enthusiastically consents to all activities and changes, and she communicates her limits. She feels ownership of the decision to gain weight. Both partners treat consent as paramount (using safewords, respecting “no”) progressivetherapeutic.com.au.
  • Mutual Pleasure and Respect: The dynamic, while asymmetrical, brings joy to both parties. The feedee feels sexually satisfied and emotionally appreciated – her partner shows care for her well-being, not just the fetish outcome. Outside of play, he respects her as an equal. She does not feel trapped in the role; rather, she inhabits it willingly and can drop the role without fear.
  • Positive Emotions: The overall emotional tone is positive. The feedee might feel excited, loved, proud, or liberated when engaging in feedism. Importantly, pleasure outweighs any pain. There may be moments of discomfort (stuffed belly, etc.), but they are within the feedee’s tolerance and serve the shared erotic script. There is no lingering shame – she might even experience improved self-image (“I feel sexy and wanted at this size”). Some feedees even report that feederism helped them overcome body hang-ups, fostering a kind of body-positivity in a private sphere progressivetherapeutic.com.au.
  • Balanced Life: In a healthy scenario, feederism is part of life, not all of it. The feedee still maintains connections with friends/family, pursuits of work or hobbies, and attends to her health to whatever degree possible. The fetish does not consume her identity or isolate her from support networks. She has agency – for instance, deciding to pause gaining for health or personal reasons – and her partner supports those decisions. In short, her life doesn’t revolve 100% around being a feedee; she retains individuality beyond the fetish.
• Signs of Unhealthy or Harmful Dynamics:
  • Coercion or Control: Any sense that the feedee cannot say no is a major red flag. If the feeder pressures her to eat past her limit, gain more than she wants, or rejects her input, the consensual nature is eroding. Some abusive feeders may use emotional manipulation (“If you loved me, you’d get bigger”) or even threats. As one feedee noted, her ex-fiancé would get angry if she didn’t keep gaining, even though he was the one pushing her to immobility vice.com. Such behavior crosses into coercive control, which is abuse. The feedee in these cases often feels fearful of displeasing her partner – a clear sign the power dynamic is no longer healthy.
  • Sole Source of Validation: If the feedee’s entire self-worth hinges on the fetish (“no one but a feeder could ever want me”), this is dangerous. An emotionally healthy person may enjoy being validated by a feeder, but also knows she has value beyond that. When a woman with low self-esteem latches onto feederism as her only validation, she may tolerate extreme or harmful situations just to avoid losing that validation. For example, the 18-year-old feedee mentioned earlier, who despised herself after feeding sessions, was nonetheless drawn to the fetish repeatedly because it temporarily eased her anxiety and loneliness rageagainsttheminivan.com. This kind of cycle can indicate underlying depression or unresolved trauma that feederism is exacerbating. Self-harm, persistent shame, or secret despair after fetish activities are glaring signals of psychological distress that no amount of feeding will fix.
  • Isolation and Secrecy: Unhealthy feeder relationships often involve isolation. The feedee becomes cut off from friends or family – sometimes due to the feeder’s deliberate influence (not wanting others to “interfere”), or due to her own shame about her body or lifestyle. The more isolated she is, the more control the feeder can exert unchecked. In the feederism community, some extreme gainers disappear from public view as they become housebound; if they are also cut off emotionally, they are extremely vulnerable. A former feedee described how after leaving her feeder husband, she had “nowhere to turn” – the feederism community shunned her and she felt regular society wouldn’t understand medium.com. Her isolation while in the relationship had been so complete that she had no support system to fall back on. If a current feedee finds that her world has shrunk to only her feeder and maybe anonymous online fetish friends, that’s a sign of imbalance. A healthy life can withstand some openness – if you’re hiding absolutely everything from everyone, ask why.
  • Neglect of Health or Well-being: Gaining weight will always carry health risks, but there’s a difference between informed risk-taking and reckless endangerment. In a harmful dynamic, a feeder might push the feedee to ignore serious health warnings (diabetes symptoms, mobility issues, etc.), or the feedee herself might refuse to get medical checkups because she fears being told to stop. When the fetish comes before basic health, it’s a problem. Responsible feedees set some limits (for instance, many decide not to surpass a weight that would cause immobility or life-threatening complications vice.com vice.com). If those limits vanish – e.g. a feedee continues to eat compulsively even as her body struggles, or a feeder sabotages her efforts to eat nutritiously – the situation veers into self-harm territory. Emotional well-being counts too: if the fetish that once made her happy is now making her mostly anxious or depressed, holding on to “make my partner happy” can be psychologically damaging. As one commenter advised a struggling feedee, “Don’t do feederism while you’re in an emotional crisis… You can heal your inner pain first, then see if this fetish still fits” rageagainsttheminivan.com. In other words, sort out your mental health, and don’t use feederism to mask it.
• Lack of Autonomy or Regret: A troubling sign is when a feedee feels she can’t stop even if she wanted to. This could be due to literal dependence (she’s immobile or financially reliant on the feeder), or emotional dependence (fear of losing the relationship, fear of who she is without the kink). If she expresses sentiments like “I felt I had no choice” or “Love makes you do stupid things – this was my stupid thing”medium.com medium.com, it indicates that her involvement wasn’t fully self-driven. One woman admitted she became a feedee only because her boyfriend wanted it, saying “I saw it as my duty to meet my partner’s needs no matter how uncomfortable… I was young and had already suffered a lot of abuse before, so I did it to try to make the relationship happy” medium.com. This heartbreaking confession shows a complete sacrifice of autonomy. Such a person is likely to feel deep regret later, as that woman did. Genuine enthusiasm is a hallmark of healthy kink; lingering regret and feeling that you betrayed yourself are hallmarks of an unhealthy situation.

For therapists and kink educators, a key message is that feederism itself is not inherently “bad” or “good” – what matters is how it’s practiced and why. When done consensually and mindfully, with both partners caring for each other’s whole selves, it can be a valid form of sexual and emotional expression (despite being far outside the norm). Feedees in happy scenarios often describe a sense of freedom and intense intimacy with their partner. One feedee said, “I’ve had the most fulfilled physical and emotional experiences of my life with people who actively prefer fat partners”everydayfeminism.com everydayfeminism.com – highlighting that for her, being a feedee was part of a loving, positive experience. Another feedee might simply say it’s fun: “I find it so sexy to eat and not worry about my belly – to feel it grow while my partner watches hungrily.” There is joy in these stories.

But when feederism is twisted by unresolved trauma, exploited by an abusive partner, or used as a Band-Aid for self-hate, it can become deeply harmful. The fetish then amplifies insecurities and pain, rather than alleviating them. As one therapist writes, “Feederism, when practiced safely and consensually, is a legitimate expression of sexuality. However, it is crucial to distinguish these practices from any form of harm or coercion.” progressivetherapeutic.com.au In other words: context is everything.

Closing Thoughts:

The psychology of the feedee is a study in contrasts. It is the submissive thrill of losing control, yet the empowering choice to do so. It is craving to be seen as an object of desire, yet fearing being only an object. It is using food to feel comfort and love, yet dancing on the edge of physical danger. The women who pursue this path are not monolithic; their motivations span from the most conscious erotic whims to the darkest unconscious wounds.

Understanding a feedee’s mind requires holding empathy for those contradictions. A feedee can derive genuine pleasure from something that outsiders view as self-destructive or bizarre. As feedee “Wilson” said regarding her guilt, “The only guilt I feel is the manufactured cliché guilt that society thrusts upon people who have weird kinks.” psychologytoday.com Society may never understand why a woman would want to be fattened up and dominated – but within her psyche, it can make emotional sense. Whether it’s reclaiming her sexuality on her own terms, reliving a nurturing experience she never had, rebelling against a world that policed her body, or finding catharsis in surrender, the feedee’s journey is deeply personal.

For feedees seeking to understand themselves, it’s worth reflecting on which of the themes in this article resonate most. Do you recognize elements of trauma or low self-esteem driving your desire? Do you primarily feel joy and excitement, or do you notice undercurrents of shame and compulsion? By identifying these, a feedee (ideally with the help of a kink-aware therapist) can navigate her desires more safely. Partners and therapists can likewise benefit from seeing the bigger picture of her psyche – supporting the woman behind the fetish, not just the fetish itself.

At its best, feederism for a feedee can be deeply introspective and bonding – an ultimate exercise in trust and vulnerability that leads to greater self-acceptance. At its worst, it can be a dangerous trap that reinforces inner demons. The difference lies in the psychology: why she craves it, and how she experiences it. The feedee’s mind is the true arena of this fetish – far more so than the kitchen or the bedroom. And it is only by understanding that inner landscape that one can truly understand “why some women crave to be fed, fat, or controlled.”

Sources:

1. Terry & Vasey (2011). Case report on a female feedee. Archives of Sexual Behavior – Definition of feederism pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov.
2. Vice (2018). “Inside the Gut-Stuffing World of Feederism.” – Description of feeder-feedee as dominant/submissive BDSM-like dynamic vice.com and feedee humiliation play vice.com.
3. Mateus et al. (2008). Study on feeders. – Motives of domination, control, dependency in feederism cep13dhgroup1.blogs.lincoln.ac.uk.
4. Progressive Therapeutic Collective (2023). Blog on Feederism. – Notes on nurture, breaking societal body norms progressivetherapeutic.com.au and importance of consent vs. harm progressivetherapeutic.com.au.
5. Reddit feedism discussion (2013). – Feedee perspective on rebellious thrill of defying societal norms reddit.com.
6. The Atlantic (2015). “Why Victims of Sexual Abuse Are More Likely to Be Obese.” – Link between sexual abuse and deliberate weight gain for protection theatlantic.com.
7. “Brooke’s Story” (2016). RageAgainstTheMinivan blog. – 18-year-old female feedee on low self-esteem, abusive ex, fetish shame and self-harmrageagainsttheminivan.com rageagainsttheminivan.com.
8. Donna Simpson interview in Vice (2018). – Her account of extreme feederism becoming abuse (objectification, unrealistic control) vice.com vice.com.
9. “Solitary Refinement” (2024). Medium essay. – Former feedee on losing herself to please her feeder husband, driven by past abuse and isolation medium.com medium.com.
10. Marie Southard Ospina (2016). Everyday Feminism article. – Feminist feedist perspective: women’s agency in fat fetishism, example of Stuffing Kit asserting autonomy everydayfeminism.com.
11. Neurolaunch Psychology article (n.d.). – Describes feeder-feedee “dance of power and submission,” feedee finding comfort and security in being fed neurolaunch.com.
12. ENotAlone Mental Health post (c.2019). – Psychoanalytic view of feederism as regression to childhood feeding for comfort enotalone.com.
13. Psychology Today (2021). “When Stigma Gets in the Way of Kink.” – Definition of feederism kink and note on kink stigma and mental health psychologytoday.com psychologytoday.com.
14. Additional: Terry et al. (2012) in Archives of Sexual Behavior – Evolutionary angle (feederism as exaggeration of normal mate preferences) researchgate.net; Ariane Prohaska (2013) – Sociological analysis of feederism as often patriarchal despite appearing transgressive researchgate.net. (Referenced for context on power dynamics.)